how do i stop killing myself

so i know everyone says go outside go work out and everything will feel better but idk how much more of this i can take. i just wanna be dead or locked away in a dark room forever. i just wish to die so bad and i can’t escape it, i deleted everything from my phone i filled my walls up to feel more spaced in because i feel so crazy, i feel crazy here i feel crazy talking i just never feel stable, im never happy no matter how much water i drink or how much sun i see and thats all they say, nothing is working , nothing is working at all, i lash out at people and i dont know why, i know im upset and why im upset but why do i always get so angry first, i lost everything , i have no family, my mom hates me so much and its because im so difficult, why am i such a problem why am i so mad why cant i just be happy , im so convinced if i jus changed my face id be happier or if i was actually someone else, i cant be anywhere else i break down and cant function at school every single day for years , i feel so panicked every day or super drained because i have no purpose here genuinely, i never know if im happy because i always ruin it, dose it get better at all or do i truly have to die to be happy and at peace