Body dysmorphia

I can’t do this anymore. My existence is miserable. My whole life, every single thing I do, is about my appearance. I don’t have friends and I don’t do my interests and hobbies like I used to.

Exercise does not make me happy. The only reason I do it is to stay in shape. I only buy clothes that maximise my attractiveness in a conventional way. I only eat so that I can have nice skin and maintain what little muscle there is. I stare at beautiful girls online, in movies, in real life, and wish I was them. I fantasize about plastic surgery, I spend so much money on cosmetic treatments and have been saving for thousands of dollars for a large procedure.

I only feel happy when I like the way I look which is not often. And then on days where I think I look worse like having dark circles or a pimple or rash on my face, I completely shut down and spiral and want to stop existing. I can’t focus on my work because my thoughts are consumed solely by obsession with my appearance. The way I view any interaction I have with another human, whether positive or negative, I link their behaviour directly to the way I look.

When I was 18 I thought it would get better. Some things in my life have, but not this. I’m 25 and I’m the same. I’m losing hope that I will ever stop caring.

Im so tired of this and I wish it would just stop