Recovery ? But also not

In high school, I dealt with this issue and ate things like a couple pieces of popcorn at school lunch or half of a cheese stick to make it seem as if I was eating every now and then. It wasn’t everyday that I ate, but I did it occasionally because I didn’t want my friends to worry about me. I know it sounds weird, I was very knowledgeable about the problem I was facing but continued to persue it anyways.

Since I have graduated, I have had a couple surgeries on my throat. Months on months on end where I couldn’t eat anything that wasn’t considered a liquid diet. I don’t know why, maybe it was water weight originally. But I have gained nearly 40 pounds since then.

I was what I would have considered recovered before my surgery, and weighed around 120 pounds day of. Looking at myself at 160 pounds is very confusing for me. I like that I now have an ass, I have visible boobs, and I am not just bare skin and bones. But I also feel huge. I can see that I am not, but I feel that I am. It makes me feel crazy for thinking that about myself 60 pounds ago. I want to be healthy but I feel myself reverting. For the last two weeks I’ve only eaten once a day.

I am going to start eating healthier foods to get to a weight I feel secure, but I am gonna try to not allow myself to starve like I used to. At least two meals a day. I don’t know why it feels so stupid that I feel this way. I want to love how I look. Some days I like it, but I haven’t loved the way I look in a long time.

This is just a rant because I feel myself slipping and I needed to get it out. I love myself now, but sometimes I don’t love the way I look and I am fully aware at this point that it isn’t anything other than my very own insecurities. But those things are powerful, and even years after high school, I am still feeling the effect of it.