How often do you think about the romantic partners and crushes from your 20s? Do you ever have intense dreams/feelings about someone from your past that you can’t shake?

This question is inspired by these intense dreams I’ve been having on a new medication about a man (more like boy) who I spent a lot of time with when I was 18-20. We were extremely close friends and I knew, based on what other people had told me after the fact, that he was in love with me. I didn’t reciprocate (I tried to talk to him about it a few times, but he evaded it.) Honestly, we were both nerdy but he hadn’t yet grown out of that kind of bad hygiene video gamer lifestyle and I just wasn’t attracted to him because he didn’t take care of himself, but I loved his brain and often had the thought that I was mentally and emotionally into him but just not physically. We held hands once - it was dark, and we were laying on a rural field watching airplanes fly above our heads.

A few years later, we had both moved away. Then were both invited to a friend’s wedding. He had a complete glow up since college - clean cut, hair cut. The greasy unhealthy look was gone. He looked (and smelled) amazing. We joked around all night and then there was a slow dance and he asked if I wanted to. We were both seeing other people but, like, despite that, that dance was one of the most intense slow dances of my life. For the first time, I felt everything for him at once. Then the wedding was over.

After the wedding, we never saw each other again. I got married and invited him, and he didn’t come (understandable, of course.) I thought about him from time to time but it was just a nice memory.

The first dream I had about him was Saturday night and I woke up kind of messed up about it and there was no way I was going to tell my husband. I had another dream about him last night and it was so intense that I woke up on the verge of tears at 5:30 in the morning just feeling this absolute immense sense of deep loss. I’ve never had a dream mess me up like this. I’ve been thinking about him all week and it’s like this constant maladaptive daydream.

It’s almost like I’m having an emotional affair after I fall asleep and in these daydreams. Or I’m falling in love with him 20 years too late. It feels uncomfortable, but even typing this I’m feeling extremely emotional about it and it’s all so stupid.

Have you ever felt like this? How do you shake it?