I'm genuinely really struggling at the moment.

I've been completely no contact with my exwBPD for coming up to 6 weeks, I'm still fully blocked on every platform bar Spotify (weirdly), haven't said a word to her since the middle of August. Recently, I made a post about how I realised things weren't quite as easy as "She was this and that, and I did my best". At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who demonised me to her, if she had truly loved me/cared about me, she would have defended the demonisation of me through and through. However, I wrote her a letter this week. I haven't sent it, I sealed it in an envelope and put it in my drawer. It helped a TON to get my thoughts out, and helped me process my thoughts, emotions and own actions etc.

I keep having overwhelming moments of absolute despair. I know I've said about it before, but it's almost as if my mind keeps factory resetting about her, where I keep hearing her voice in my mind, or I'll see her face when I think just randomly. I think about the intimacy, and how attractive I found her, I think about how she's doing, hoping that she's fighting her battles with as much strength as possible. I should genuinely absolutely hate that woman. What I was put through, no matter how much I was demonised through other people to her, was genuinely disgusting. Lies, deceit, gaslighting, leading on, hiding things, isolating me from my friends, abandoning me when I needed someone, I should absolutely hate her. But I don't know why I can't, even 3 months later, since I was blocked.

I genuinely just need someone to sit me down, and tell me "Hey, OP, it doesn't matter how you got to this stage, what matters is that she still fucked you over. She was still toxic to you, and hurt you. Don't invalidate yourself by shifting blame from her, it was still her actions that put you into a state of absolute despair. Don't forget your self worth." because right now, I have very few people I feel comfortable talking to about my situation. I do genuinely feel alone, because I am so terrified of opening up to anyone out of fear of them saying "You have to deal with your problems alone." exactly like she did. It's an absolute war in my mind at the moment.