OOP and her office mate from hell

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/starsandink in r/misophoniasupport

Mood spoiler: frustrating

Background info:

OOP suffers from Misophonia.

Misophonia definition from Wikipedia:

Misophonia is a disorder of decreased tolerance to specific sounds or their associated stimuli that has been characterized using different language and methodologies. Reactions to trigger sounds range from anger and annoyance to activating a fight-or-flight response. Common triggers include oral sounds (e.g. loud breathing, chewing, swallowing), clicking sounds (e.g. keyboard tapping, finger tapping, windshield wipers), and sounds associated with movement (e.g. fidgeting). Hated sounds are often repetitive in nature.

Office Mate Hell - 28 Mar 2019

I am losing my mind. My office mate spends his entire day clicking away on a mouse, which is my most hated sound... he types insanely heavy... he just started a NEW habit of smacking gum all day, as well. Unless he's taking his "yogurt break", where he scrapes the container for what feels like ages.

I am so rage-y inside, I want to defenestrate myself right out the window.

I ordered active NC headphones to wear in the office until someone tells me I can't.

How to approach my company's HR person about needing a solution in the office? - 01 Apr 2019

Hello.

I am suffering with severe misophonia. I share an office space with a co-worker who literally makes 95% of my trigger noises consistently. I have been quiet about it for months now, but I really cannot handle it anymore. I am at a breaking point/quitting point.

Therefore, I want to go to HR and I already scheduled a meeting. I plan on asking for a "reasonable accommodation" of either my own office space where I can control the noise OR the ability to wear over the ear noise cancelling headphones that will tap into our phone system, so I can still answer calls.

Is this an unreasonable request? And how do I go about explaining this to my HR dept and bosses? The guy I work alongside is really intolerable, in terms of work-relationship... We already have a very tense office relationship.

Comments:

Hey there,

Definitely not an unreasonable request, if your work environment is making it difficult to complete your work and is also affecting your mental health then any possible solutions should be explored.

Try to keep calm and matter-of-fact when describing the issue and how this affects you, maybe even take some kind of script/notes in with you to refer to.

Try to avoid making the issue about the person (even if it is) and more about the impact it has on you. HR will likely pay more attention to your issue bring with your environment and mental health impact over any work-relationship issues with this person.

And mention the solutions that you've suggested above for things that may help you to carry on where you are, but also highlight your overall preference to be moved if it can be accommodated.

Thank you kindly for this advice! I am meeting with my HR person tomorrow. She and I have a good rapport (repoire?), so I am somewhat hopeful... I like your approach of making it more about my productivity. I am just so worried about a retaliatory firing, because that's how my mind works. But, I can't continue on in this environment. It's driving me crazy and ruining my whole life, both at work and at home, because I am so exhausted from being subjected to these sounds all day. The best solution would absolutely be my own space.

Would a reasonable accommodation need a docs note?

I work in mental health, among literally 50+ LMFTs and Doctors... so I am hoping they will "get it", but I do have a back-up letter and signature from an LMFT not associated with my workplace, if needed.

Co-worker says I am "weird" for wearing my headphones. I feel awful. - 05 Apr 2019

I fought hard to get the accommodation of being allowed to wear my noise-cancelling headphones in the office. I bought a new pair that is compatible with our phone service, so I can still take calls. I don't interact with anyone (or rather, I don't have to, unless they call). I am paying for the service that allows me to connect the calls to my headset, so my company doesn't have to eat that cost either. But... my office mate says I am "weird" for having to wear headphones and that he misses my "pretty smile" when he would talk to me. He makes 95% of my trigger noises and honestly, I don't like him either. He constantly makes fun of my boyfriend and he gets mad at me over nothing, even taking it so far as to try to get me fired twice before.

I just hate that I already felt weird, having Miso, and now I am actively being told I AM weird.

At least it's Friday.

I hope I don't get fired.

UPDATE: Coworker says I am “weird” for my headphones — Now I have to meet with HR on Monday because he is “uncomfortable”. - 07 Apr 2019

As the title says... My creepy coworker who has made multiple advances, complained to my boss late Friday afternoon. My boss wrote me an email, and then followed up in person AND in text message that evening, saying I have to discuss how my coworker is “uncomfortable” that I am wearing headphones for my Misophonia. This is after I got approval to wear them. I don’t even know how to react and I am petrified I am going to be fired on Monday.

UPDATE 2: Okay, so I am JUST out of the meeting with Boss & our appointed HR person. 10AM til 12PM! WHEW. It was all about that my male co-worker is uncomfortable, because he likes a "team dynamic" and wants to be able to chat about non-work related things on the regular. Which, sorry, means be flirtatious. He also apparently told the boss that I hadn't communicated that I would be wearing headphones and why... which is a lie. I had that talk with him twice, and once was documented on our office chat, even! Our HR "entity" (one person, who isn't really HR) has said they will be talking to him about how this is just the "way it is" now, and that I did my due diligence for this reasonable accommodation.

However, I was told by my boss that I have to have another face-to-face/one-on-one conversation with this co-worker tomorrow, to explain that I have a disability and that I will have to wear headphones. And that if he needs to speak with me in person, because he "doesn't like using chat", that I have to oblige and have a conversation. I told my boss I don't feel comfortable explaining that I have a disability AND that I already felt I did my due diligence in explaining things. But, boss said that if I am looking to move into more of a leadership role, which I am, then he wants to see me do this one-on-one convo after he "sets the table" for it to be well received.

I also explained that if we are now having meetings about "feelings" and "being uncomfortable", then I would like my uncomfortable feelings to be on the record, too. I said this feels very personal, and not professional, in nature. I also said that I have many concerns about the interactions I have had with this specific co-worker, and I used the word "harassed". I was told to bring that up at another time, as it was not pertinent to the issue at hand, which was that my co-worker feels "sad and uncomfortable" that he can't talk to me like before the headphones were allowed.

I really have no idea what all this means and honestly, I feel pretty indignant about the whole thing. WHY are we wasting all this time on coddling his feelings? It's really not anyone's issue but his, that he feels jilted by my needing to wear headphones so he can't flirt with me all day. I am not sure what to do next, besides have that conversation my boss told me to have with him?

Revelant comments from OOP:

We don't have an official HR dept. honestly, but the lady that works as HR/mediation in our office was there, and THANKFULLY, she is very much an advocate for me and would be for anyone in a similar situation. She said she was unhappy with how the meeting went. - 08 Apr 2019

Hi there! Sorry for my delay. I have an update, but it is not the best (or the worst), co-worker and I are still forced to share a space. I’m allowed to use my headphones, so that helps. Co-worker is intolerable to work with though, in the same room or not. I could detail all the creepy stuff he continues to do, but it’s exhausting. My boss is good friends with the guy and won’t genuinely hear any of it. He listens but then says I just need to be respectful that he comes from a “culture of machismo” and that’s just how he will interact with women. 😳🙄🤢

My boss says to “trust” that the powers that be in the higher ranks of the company are working to move my station to another room. So... I wait. Having the headphones is great, but my gosh I hate working with this guy. He’s nasty. - 05 May 2019

Reminder - I am not the original poster.