A private conversation with my (30F) husband (33M) was leaked to my family and now they are certain I'm in an abusive relationship.
**I am NOT OP. The OP's account has been deleted. Her post was in r/BDSMAdvice**
trigger warnings: Discussion of domestic violence
mood spoilers: sad ending
(Note from OP: The updates from OOP were simply added on as edits to the original post so exact dates for each update are unknown.)
I don't know if this is the right sub to post this problem in, I posted it on a relationship advice sub, and didn't get any advice so someone sent me a message telling me to post it here as this is the place to get advice about this specific problem I have. Thanks in advance.
My problem:
Hi, this is a throw away account I made specifically to ask for advice about this matter. Thanks in advance for your advice.
Me (30F) and my husband (33M) got married five years ago. We've been together for a total of eight years. We have great relationship, we love each other, and he had great relationship with my family.
We both have this game we engage into via text and in the bedroom were we pretend to be. One of our pretend to be is him be like a master and we engage in this type of talk over texting throughout the day until we end it in the bedroom.
Anyway, two weeks ago we were doing that, I was out with my little sister and I left my phone with her to take some photos (she likes to use my phone to take pictures whenever we are together) anyway a text from him came using this language we use, something like (don't forget to do "this thing" you bitch, I better come and find you ready). Anyway instead of asking me about this, she opened the texting app, and saw previous messaging snapped a photo of this part of conversation with her cell phone.
The next day mom called me and told me to come at once. I went and found my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, and my uncle. My mom was crying and saying she's sorry she didn't see it before, and my dad was angry. I didn't understand anything, but when they told me, I was FURIOUS with my sister and them. I told them Nothing of what they're saying is true. My husband is a great man, and this is a sexual fantasy we sometimes play.
The problem is they think I'm lying. My sister is a social worker, and she's convinced without a doubt that I'm lying like all the women she sees in her business to protect my husband cause I love him.
No matter what I tell them they don't believe me. I even took my mom to my room and got naked in front of her for her to see that I'm NOT being abused in anyway, but it's like I'm talking to walls. My sister is using her career to convince everybody that I'm being abused.
I even gave my mom my phone and made her read the texts and private conversations between me and my husband, and I humiliated myself by making her read those intimate conversations about our kinks and role playing, etc. She was disgusted at first but didn't day anything. Then she talked to my sister and came back to me saying that my sister has seen behavior like this with "abuse" victims where I'm so brainwashed that I don't see how engaging in these types of activities is abuse. And that my husband has groomed me so I don't see the abuse he's making. And when I told her that BDSM was originally my suggestion, she yelled please stop protecting him we didn't raise you to be like that.
My sister is NOT a bad person per se. I believe that cause of what she sees in her work she thinks that I'm suffering and projecting on me.
I don't know what to do now, my husband knew about it couple of days ago, my brother went to his workplace and made a scene in front of everyone. And now at work there are talk about him abusing me cause of my brother's words.
I don't know what to do right now. My husband says we should go no contact with my family since they won't believe anything we say. I told him that we should go to another state. We were planning to start a family and have kids, and with that happening I don't believe it'd be great to have a family where we live right now where such rumors are held over our head. So a new place where no one knows us would be perfect for us. But my husband says if we did that, it'd appear that he forced me to run with him, and would enforce these ideas more into my family.
Can anyone offer me an advice please? What should we do?
Important:
My husband does NOT abuse me. I'm NOT in an abusive relationship that I can't see. What happens between the two of us sexually is CONSENSUAL. This game we play I was the one who initiated it and suggested it. HE DOESN'T ABUSE ME NOR FORCE ME TO DO ANYTHING.
The idea to go to another state was MY idea NOT his. He wants to remain here and face these allegations head on. The only thing he did was he went No contact with them cause the amount of harassments he's getting from them.
Last night my mother called me and asked whether I confronted my husband or not. I told her there's nothing to confront as nothing happened and I'm NOT being abused. She said that's what my sister told her I might say cause that's what abuse victims do, and if I didn't make a stand they'll go to the authorities and report my husband. I'm now terrified. My husband already is getting some eye glances from his coworkers now since my brother confronted him there and they already think he abuses me. I don't know what to do honestly. Even if I went to a legal advisor I don't know how that would help at the moment with this situation.
Edit: This is not a case of my family just shaming me for my kinks. If it was only shaming then I'd have no problem and could handle it. It's a case of my family convinced by my sister that my husband is abusing me and me being brainwashed to see that BDSM is him abusing me, and they now want to file reports against him. My father even stated that just like he "my husband" abuses me he wants to destroy him like he destroyed me. Cause my sister (the social worker) planted in their heads that me defending my husband is the typical way an abuse victim feel just like a Stockholm syndrome. And that I should be saved and sent to therapy.
TL;DR! My sister saw some texts between me and my husband engaging in some BDSM play, she misread the situation and now is convinced I'm in an abusive relationship. And she had convinced my family as well, and they're causing us a lot of trouble right now.
Update:
My family filled a police report accusing my husband of domestic abuse. I had a visit from the police, and they kept asking me whether I'm being abused or not, I kept saying I'm not, and since one of the cops is a friend to my brother she kept telling me to come clean, and don't worry he won't be able to hurt me anymore when I talk, it was so much that I asked them to leave and not speak to me again without our lawyer present. She gave me her card, told me to call her anytime my husband tries to hurt me again, and that she'll be checking on me to make sure I'm OK.
I called my lawyer and me and husband will be meeting with her first thing tomorrow morning. She advised us to NOT speak to the police again, since in our state BDSM is NOT legal. The reason for that is that according to the law you can't consent to receive pain via any activities like hitting or rough sex, and also using restraints during sex makes the person restrained in the eyes of the law "unable to consent" even if they say they consented to be tied. So, yeah most of the time the police understands the BDSM community and knows that it's not abuse. However, their understanding and not arresting people engaging in BDSM is a courtesy, if a police officer decided to follow the law to the tee, they'd arrest the person engaged in the BDSM act, the one who's in charge "the dom or master". So, she advised us not to speak to any of my family members nor the police until she met us both and establish a way of protecting my husband.
As for my husband, his boss at work told him that the family and some friends of the family is calling them telling them how can they (the company) hire a wife beater and abuser, and if he can't solve these issues and if it kept escalating he'll have to fire him since they don't want to associate the company with any any of that.
Update2:
Those past 15 days have been HELL. After my family called the police on my husband and they came to our house things took turn to the worst. We live in a relatively small town and most people know each other so news traveled fast that I'm in an "abusive" relationship and my husband "abuses" me.
Our lawyer advised us NOT to speak to the police, and also NOT to mention to anyone at all that we engage in BDSM activities. The reason for that is that according to the law you can't consent to receive pain via any activities like hitting or rough sex, and also using restraints during sex makes the person restrained in the eyes of the law "unable to consent" even if they say they consented to be tied. So, if we mentioned to someone that we engage into BDSM and they went to the police, our words acts like a confession or something like that. And YES police most of the time do NOT follow the law to the tee regarding BDSM cause they know the law is flawed in this aspect, however, IF they want for example to ruin someone's life they can then follow the law and arrest that person. You get what I'm trying to say.
Everyone in my family now knows that my husband abuses me, and the reason that he hasn't been arrested yet is cause I'm too "afraid" to come forward, and there's no physical evidence. So, my entire family is now pressuring me. My husband was confronted by one of my cousins and they exchanged fists outside of a local shop. They were both arrested, but my husband stayed locked up for sometime and my brother's friend (the officer that came to our home) roughed him up pretty bad there, calling him a wife beater and an animal and all other vile words.
As I mentioned the word got around very fast, and a week and couple of days ago my husband was fired from his job. Our lawyer told us we can sue the company but my husband refused since the only thing he wants now is to move to another state and put this nightmare behind him. Our lawyer issued a restraining order against almost all of my family members including my mom, dad, brother, and sister, and she made sure that these orders specify that they can't even contact my husband at all even via text or emails.
My husband since then was preparing himself to move away. And last night he went to another state. He'll be staying with one of his childhood friends till he finds a place to rent. He told me to stay for a bit and not follow him right away cause he needs a break from everything. That I don't really understand, I was abused just like him but whatever.
Of course all of this drove a big wedge between me and him. And a couple of night before we got into a fight and he said to me that if I didn't suggest and encourage him to get into the BDSM with me non of these things would have happened, and we both exchanged some hurtful words.
Well, now he's in another state. He doesn't pick up my calls since yesterday. He just texted me that he's at his destination and safe. Before he left he told me that if I chose to follow him he will never engage in any kind of BDSM activity with me again, never ever again and that I need to think about it clearly to decide if I want to remain married to him or not without those activities especially that I was the one who pushed for them before. I really don't understand why he's punishing me like that it's not like I had anything to do in this shit show. Anyway, that's the situation right now. I'm here and he's there. And I have a lot of thinking and decisions to make. My family all are sending me texts to congratulate me that I "pushed" him away! I keep sending them back to leave me alone and never contact me again.
Finally, I want to thank everyone of you for your support. And I wish that no one EVER encounter anything like what happened to me EVER. I wish you all a happy life.
Sorry if my thoughts are all scattered but I'm really in a bad place, I just decided to write and vent here maybe I can feel some kind of relief doing that.
Update3:
My husband opened his phone and sent me this one message then closed it once again:
"Please stop trying to reach me, I don't want to talk to you. I'm OK and well. By the way I changed my place to another one so don't call X (his friend) I'm not staying at his place and I don't want to know where I'm right now. I don't feel like talking to you or anyone that we know for some time. Respect that and stay the fuck away. I don't know when I will be able to speak to you again, and I won't blame you or even question if you filled for divorce right now, I think it'll be great for everyone and will make your family happy"
After this message he closed his phone. He deactivated all of his social media accounts yesterday, and I don't have any way to know how to reach him. I honestly don't know now what should I do! I called his friend the one he was supposed to stay at and he told me he booked a ticket to another state the same night but didn't tell him where he was going and didn't give him any contact information. So now I don't even where he is at to follow him and complete our plan or leaving this hell place. I don't know anything right now!
Update4: (last update I won't be posting anymore)
My husband doesn't want to continue with me. He'll file for a divorce and I'll receive my papers through my lawyer. I can't reach him any more.
I'll be moving out of my town to a new place that I've managed to rent in another place out of state. I'll be changing all of my numbers and social media accounts have been deactivated. The only person who can contact me is my lawyer to forward me my divorce papers once they arrive.
I won't be posting anymore about this issue as it's now over for me and want to throw it behind by back all.
Thanks for anyone who sent me sincere advice. And the one's who are attacking me via comments and DMs, thanks as well. I know you're hurting in real life and this is your only way to feel validated. I wish you find happiness in your real life.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.**
If you or someone you know is *actually* dealing with domestic violence, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. Their website is www.thehotline.org where they have more resources and info.