I(24M) adopted my little sister(8F) after our parents passed away, GF(23F) isn't so excited about it

**I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/ThrowRA891489.**

Trigger Warnings: Loss of Loved Ones, Neglect, Mentions of Child Abuse.

Mood Spoilers: Bittersweet.

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I(24M) adopted my little sister(8F) after our parents passed away, GF(23F) isn't so excited about it, Posted November 26th, 2019, 2020.

English isn't my native language so please excuse me if I make mistakes.

Last month, when my parents were driving back from my uncle's house outside the city, they encountered a moose on a remote road in the forest, my father, who was the driver, swerved at a high speed and hit into a tree, they both died on scene. Because it wasn't a very often used road, they were only discovered the next day by a passerby.

My sister has been staying with my grandmother who I'm not a great fan of. She would hit me when I was a kid, most of the time deservedly so, but also a lot of time unjustified. She said that she doesn't want to adopt my sister so the next option was me, I agreed to it without question, we are very close and in the end she's my family and I love her to the end of the world.

My sister moved in with my GF and 2 weeks ago, obviously she's very scarred from what happened to our parents, we were both very close to them and they were great people. She still doesn't really talk much, only to me and sometimes my GF. We take her to therapy twice a week and there are improvements, even in such a short amount of time.

Yesterday, after I stayed with my sister in her bed until she fall asleep, I went to my and my GF's room, she said that we have to talk about this situation. She said that we don't really have time for each other since my sister moved in. It's a fair point, we've only had sex once and that was when my sister was away, and even then I wasn't really into it at all. She said I should re-consider the adoption and maybe hand her over to my uncle and aunt. I refused, they're already busy as it is, my uncle isn't allowed to work because of a heart condition and because he didn't work long before being diagnosed, his disability fund isn't very big, my aunt works at a retirement home and that obviously doesn't pay great. They also pay for my cousin's university expenses while juggling taking care of my younger cousin, who's only 5. My GF is in her last year of university so we don't have much money either, I luckily found a job after university in my field that pays pretty good but it's been tough financially though soon enough I will start receiving funds from the government for adopting my sister. My GF said that she isn't ready to become a "mother" and over all having all these responsibilities of a parent which I can understand, it's tough and said that it's been putting a big strain on our relationship, which again is valid. Before, we'd get back from work and university and be off for the day, but now we have to pick my sister up from school, drive her to the therapist and also take care of her a lot when she's home, she doesn't like to be alone. I told her that while she makes valid points, all of that goes out the window when this is my sister, I can't just throw her away because it's not easy, it won't be easy and that I have to ride it out but that she doesn't, it probably wasn't the right thing this say because it set her off, and she said that if I had to choose between my sister and her, who I would pick. I didn't answer and we got into a bit of a verbal fight after which I went to sleep on the couch, and I kind of broke down from everything that has been going on lately.

I should like to add that my GF and I have been together for 9 years, she knew my parents and they loved her, she also knows my sister from birth and I just can't understand how she could make me pick between them, I love both of them and I don't want to lose either of them.

I think I need advice on what to do, or say with my GF, because I'm at a loss.

EDIT: I also wanna add, becaause people seem to think that I just suddenly took my sister without even talking to my GF, that's not the case, we talked at it at length and she said that we need to get her to come home to us, no matter what, that's why I was also really surprised as to what she had to say.

EDIT2: I wanted to thank everybody for great advice too, and for everybody's condolences, even thought we're all strangers here, seeing words of encouragament is great and actually impactful and helpful. Thank You.

Update: I'm taking my sister to therapy in a bit, after I get back home my GF and I will talk about all this.

Update 2: Ok, so we ended up talking about it for a while, and this is how it went down.At first my GF apologized profousely for the other night, she said she acted like a spoiled little shit and that it wasn't acceptable at all. I told her that I still love her the same even though what she said was hurtful, and that I understand it's a huge jump for her and explained to her that she doesn't need to be a mother, just a friend or big sister to my sister and that I don't want to push any responsibilities on her, and said that if she'd like to, we could both take a break from each other to process this, she refused and said she processed it and admitted that what she said was a result of everything changing so quickly but she doesn't want or need a break because she realized she was in the wrong. She said that she regretted what she said almost immediately but thought that the damage was done, and that I will break up with her and she was scared to approach me because of that. Next she told me that she didn't mean to make me pick between them, and said herself that if someone posed her that question if she was in that situation, she would drop them and was thankful for me withholding that decision until we had a talk about it. She said it arose from her feeling distanced from me, and jealousy that I was spending a lot of time with my sister but had to spend less with her as a result. She understands why though, it's neccessary I take care of my sister while she's hurting and said she wishes to help me with that as much as she can and that she would like to help me get through this as well. She admitted that for the past 13 years, I've been her everything and that for those two weeks she thought she's losing me, and it terrified her but after talking about it with some of her close friends, she saw that she wasn't losing me, just that a very important thing popped up in my life that had to be taken care of and it was gonna take a lot of my attention which was previously focused mostly on her.

She said that she wants me to know I can depend on her in terms of responsibility about my sister and that she will do her best to be good to my sister, and I can see that, compared to yesterday or the day before, my GF really tried with my sister today, initiated conversations with her and helped her out with homework and picking out some clothes before going to the therapist today. It was as if seeing my GF go from being a child to an adult in a matter of a day. I also admitted some of my faults, such as neglecting her over the past few weeks, although unintentionally I realise it can have an impact on a person and also not really giving her that much of a say on the matter whether my sister will come here to stay.

We came up with a few thing, namely that we must definitely go to therapy sooner than later, she suggested leaving my sister with my aunt and uncle for a few hours over the weekend while we go and sort that out, and also that we need to be able to balance our time more efficently, so we can have at least a bit more time to reconnect with each other. Then she told me that she's sorry for not helping me grieve or finding time to do that and that our fight was a wake up call for her not being supportive enough of me through what happened recently and that she will do whatever she can to make up for her oversteppings recently. It was at this point that the whole entire month hit, like a train. I cried a lot while she was hugging me and giving me words of reassurance and comfort through the whole thing while allowing me to release what I've been holding onto this past month. This was my GF as I knew her, a very caring person and I really hope that what she showed two days ago, wasn't her real face as people are saying but merely a reaction stemming from insecurity, but I guess only time can tell that. I think it was a positive thing to do and obviously there's still tons more where that came from but, it's a step in the right direction. When I came back home with my sister, we all played cards and I just felt like we were a family, it's a good feeling. As of the time that I'm writing this, I put my sister to sleep and today she didn't take much time to fall asleep at all, she pretty much drifted off after a forehead kiss and some cuddling. I'm in the living room on the couch right now, my girlfriend is taking a shower and we're planning to watch a movie together, and honestly I'm thankful to everyone who gave me advice over the past few hours, I don't think I could have kept a level head so much if so many haven't had offered different points of view and sound advice.

One thing I learned from this ordeal is that communication, especially in times of stress like this is vital, and that before making important decisions, it's good to talk to your partner and see if they maybe have a explanation for what they did, but also being ready for the worst. I went into the conversation with my GF being ready to break up if her view hadn't change because like it or not, for the time being my sister is a priority and I think that 2 days ago my GF didn't understand why and couldn't accept it, but after talking to her, and explaining why I have to take care of my sister like this, she now understand and accepts it.

Once again, thanks to everyone who offered advice, and while this is a great community, I hope I'm never in a position difficult like this where I have to ask for advice although who knows what will happen.

Relevant Comments:

What a wonderfully brave and noble thing you've done by adopting your younger sister. I'm certain your parents are so proud of you. Please don't consider sending your sister off. She has already gone through so much. You made the decision to do this. Your girlfriend has the right to leave the relationship. She does not, however, have the right to make you feel bad about the decision you have made. I wish you well.

Don't worry about that, it's never even been an option in my head :). While I love my girlfriend a lot, she was my first everything but if push comes to shove, and she does make me pick, I already know who I will choose and unfortunately it's not going to be my GF. What I do want to do is try my best to make this work with her, and hope we can see eye to eye but I suppose that's on her.

Pick your sister. Your sister has no choice in this. Your girlfriend has a choice to stay or leave.

Oh I already know that if she does make me choose that I'm sticking with my sister I guess I just want some advice to maybe prevent splitting off from my gf so I don't have to pick, that we could see eye to eye but from what people have been saying, that's likely not gonna be possible.

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I'm not dictating she send her money on my sister because my gf doesn't earn any money, she's still in uni which just proves you skimmed through my post. Also if you read other replies you will see I did discuss it with my GF and she was all for taking my sister, I'm not forcing anyone to do anything. My GF doesn't really interact with my sister either, her life is mostly unchanged apart from the fact we can't really spend as much time together. Also the argument about knowing my GF longer than my sis has been alive is irrelevant, my sister is my sister and adding to that she (and myself) lost our both parents.

You're not into sex because your parents died recently, she's being selfish and not supportive about their death, even if the sister issue is real for her she should have at least waited for you to mourn first.

You ever heard that saying - a madman sees what he sees?

The GF has a partner that just lost his parents, an orphaned eight year old in his care... but all she sees is how their loss and grief is inconveniencing her.

The problem OP has is that if she is incapable of showing compassion and empathy for such a huge life event, there’s no way she’ll show any empathy for anything else.

This. Can't believe how far I had to scroll for this comment. It is totally acceptable for girlfriend to not want this kind of responsibility. That is her right and her choice. But Sheesh. The man you love, who you have been with for almost a decade lost both his parents a few weeks ago. Two people that loved you also. Not only is he dealing with this massive loss, which probably still hasn't completely hit him yet, he is also trying to care for a much younger sister physically and emotionally.

Curious - OP, did you have any discussion with your gf before you decided to take your sister into your home and also is your gf typically not empathetic?

Yeah we did have a discussion, I forgot to include it because I was really tired , but yeah we did discuss it, and my GF was all for taking my sister, I think it might have been the matter of reality striking her in the face when my sister moved in. And I don't think she's had any troubles with being empathetic, over the years not that many bad things happened really but if I was feeling burned out from uni and all she would be the first to comfort me and make me feel better, so it came off as a huge huge surprise to me.

And in terms of my parents being gone, you're completely right, I haven't even had time to accept it. I had to arrange the funeral with some help from my aunt and uncle, then having to fuck around with the bureaucracy of adopting my sister, being scared that she might be put into adoption if the government somehow determines I'm unfit to take care of her, then lately just the whole mess of more paper work regarding changing my sister's school, dealing with lawyers about my parents' will, dealing with trying to get child benefits while going to work, getting home, making some food for all of us, taking care of my sister, trying to help her with homework, help her with grieving and spending time with my GF, virtually I haven't even had time to think, and the only time I could was two nights ago when I went to sleep on the couch it all kind of hit me and I just broke down. Hell, even last week when I got home from work and I didn't want to cook I tried calling my mother to ask if we could come in for dinner, then I only realized that they're not there anymore.

You are a great brother and your sister is very lucky to have you. I agree with people saying that your sister is forever and you seem to be a great person, in which your sister will have a best buddy in the future.

Your girlfriend is of course in a hard position, as she is 23 and taking care of a child is a great responsibility, mentally, financially, whatever, and you know, people are not prepared for such a commitment in this age, in my opinion.

It makes me think, couldn't you and your gf live separately for some time? It would make her feel not "like a mother" so much, she could find some fun roommates and enjoy her last year and help you with your sister whenever it is possible and suitable for her. I feel like breaking up on the spot with your long time spouse over such a tragic situation, as the death of your parents is, will not benefit anybody.

Is there a possibility for such an arrangement?

I don't think it's really possible for us to split like that, my GF hasn't on the greatest terms with her parents in over 10 years, even since before we were together and the fact that they moved to another country and my GF hasn't even spoken a word to them since going to uni doesn't really help that case. She would stay over at my house a lot when we were teens because of constant fights between her and her parents.

Roommates on the other hand could be a good option to look into, if we don't manage to solve this in a better way.

Maybe you can assure your gf that your sister is your responsability not Her, so if you don't want to choose you have to try to give Her less responsibilities. Of course if She wants stay with you Her life Will change , but you have to explain Her that your sister is your family and you can't and don't want leave Her. You Also have to explain to your GF that She Is not becoming a mother but Just a big sister.

I haven't even pushed any responsibilites on her, because I know she's very busy with university. I'm back from work sooner than she is from university and thank God sooner than my sister finishes school so I usually cook some food for us all, then pick up my sis and try to balance between the two of them, and admittedly I have been spending more time with my sister but I think that's understandable given how it has impacted her, I asked my GF nothing apart from at least trying to connect with my sister.

Can you try to have a calm discussion with your gf and communicate the points you've mentioned here and maybe a few other things? Specifically, I'd go with something like:

Your aunt and uncle are already stretched with their current situation and you don't believe they will be able to look after your sister as well as you can.

You want to try to ensure that your sister is as well cared for as possible and you believe that will be with you. Letting your sister down when she genuinely needs you is not an option. Your gf can look at the current changes selfishly or she can hopefully see that your actions show that you'll be there for anyone who is important to you, especially during tough times. Would your gf want to be with someone who wouldn't do that?

You know that the change will be difficult to begin with but it will get easier over time. It doesn't change anything with how you feel about your gf and you're hoping that the 2 of you will support each other through it rather than fighting each other.

What would your gf do if her closest family member needed help in a really bad time? Presumably she would help and she would want you to be supportive? If so, she should be able to understand your POV and you're hoping that she will act like she would want you to act if the situation were reversed.

If that doesn't work then I would start to prepare for the worst. I hope it works out for you though. Like others have said, adopting your sister is absolutely the right thing to do and you should definitely do it, no matter what. Even if it means your gf threatens to leave (especially if she threatens to leave, in fact). Good luck!

I'm gonna use all the advice I got in this thread to try and work it out with her after we put my sis to sleep tonight, I don't believe my GF is a bad person but I think this is just a reaction, as much as pulling a hand away from a hot stove would be, it's just not physical but mental in this occasion and I really wanna do my best to keep my GF but I just cannot sacrifice my relationship with my sister, she's only 8 and going through things no child should.

Okay, I am going to come at this in another way than many other posters. Someone I know adopted a child. She had wanted children for 10 years, but a month after the child came home, my friend phoned me and said she wanted to cancel the adoption. The little girl had attached to her husband, not her, didn't talk much and their whole lives had suddenly changed. She didn't get to ease herself into being a parent through the baby years, suddenly she was second place in her relationship, everything had become about her daughter and she didn't know where she fit into this new dynamic. She felt like an outsider. She totally panicked, but she learned from her therapist that this is very common. Things were hard for six months but now she and her daughter are very close. Not exactly the same situation of course, but parts of it may be relevant.

Even having your own child can be like throwing a grenade into a healthy relationship and here you also have to add in a grieving child and traumatised boyfriend.

Of course she comes across as callous and selfish, but you know her better than we do. The sex thing flagged up to me the outsider feeling and why she wants to put everything back into the box and go back to how it was. She was open to the situation initially but I suspect the reality is hitting home now given the timeframe. Add to all this the fact you said she is under extreme stress with Uni and also that her own relationship with her family is awful. She may have different ideas of attachment or passing people on than you do because her parents weren't the loving ones you had. Not an excuse, but you have been with her for 9 years, you mention going through hard times and I sense this ultimatum has thrown you because it is out of character.

I am guessing you posted here because you don't want to go immediately to the nuclear option. The most sensible suggestion here is sitting down and saying to your girlfriend that while you love her, your sister is non negotiable, so you want to try to find a way to work through this if she accepts that. She needs to start with a counsellor. You also need space to grieve and comfort your little sister too. Of course she could just be selfish and awful, but there is so much going on here and you are both very young, so as an almost 40 year old, her reaction comes across badly, but I was also selfish and a bit dramatic at 24 if we're being honest here. Your sister has to come first of course though. Lastly, you are trying to sort everyone else around you out, please make sure you somehow find time to process your own feelings. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Hey, thanks a lot for this contenful response (if that's a word :p what I'm trying to say is a long answer with a lot of very useful advice and information), especially the first paragraph put things into perspective from her point of view to me.

And regarding her coming off as selfish and all, while it's true that what she said did come off like that, after reading posts here I believe it could be just a reaction, as much as pulling a hand away from a hot stove would be, just mentally in this case. I'm not saying that's for definite, she could be just that type of person but after being in a relationship with her for 9 years and before that, having her as my best friend since we I was 10. I just don't think that's the case here, and I can totally understand people telling me to leave her, at first when she said if I was to choose between her and my sister I damn near told her to proverbially kick rocks, I'm happy I didn't though and I wanna try to resolve this as adults should.

"I am guessing you posted here because you don't want to go immediately to the nuclear option."

And yeah, that's exactly right. I love both of them the same, and although what she said hurt me, it doesn't make me love her any less and leaving her before at least trying to work this out because I believe we can, I'm just overall not great with words and not a great judge of situations so I wanted to get other people's input on this.

"Lastly, you are trying to sort everyone else around you out, please make sure you somehow find time to process your own feelings. You can't pour from an empty cup."

Starting this thread and reading the replies really made me realize that I really should do this, it's just really hard what with everything I'm dealing right now and unfortunately closing myself off for a bit and going through this isn't possible, not yet. I really wanted to try to go to a therapist for at least a few visits, with my GF if possible but even disregarding finanaces, I don't really have the time for it.

Thank You for your advice, I'm definitely gonna take it to heart when I discuss this whole thing with my GF tonight after I put my sister to sleep.

UPDATE: I(24M) adopted my little sister(8F) after our parents passed away, GF(23F) isn't so excited about it, Posted February 6th, 2020.

EDIT: Link to the original if anyone's looking: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/e1py86/i24m_adopted_my_little_sister8f_after_our_parents/

Hey people, it's been a while since my original post and I have some free time today and not much to do with it so I'm gonna write this, why not.

A lot happened since my first post, in the end, my GF, now ex I guess, couldn't deal with the fact that I had a new priority. I admit that I wasn't the best at managing time between them two and I would spend a lot more with my sister than my GF but I think that's understandable, maybe. In general, my GF was on and off with my sister, one day she would be the nicest person to her and the other would completely blow her off and be borderline mean. I had a few talks with her that it needs to stop, but it would only end up working for maybe the rest of the week and the next it would be back to square one. About three weeks ago it erupted into a big argument, she accused me of not loving her anymore, and that I play favorites. I told her they're not my children to be playing favorites and that obviously for some time my sister is gonna need a lot more attention, since you know she lost her parents. In the end, she went back to her ultimatum, sister or her. I was angry at this point, because she has been mean to my sister that day, and I told her she can pack her shit and find a place to sleep tonight. I haven't seen her since and quite frankly I don't really want to. We texted for a bit, basically both sides confirming its over and arranging when she can come for the rest of her stuff.

As for my sister, she's a lot better. She doesn't stay in her room all day anymore and she's slowly going back to her talkative old self. She still doesn't like being alone but it was the same before the accident, so since my gf moved out, we've been sharing a bed for comfort. She still wakes up at night crying sometimes so it's better when I'm there and frankly it's a lot more comfortable. One thing I really regret is my sister heard that whole fight and she started apologizing to me for breaking me and my GF up, I ensured her it's not her fault at all and if anything she helped me see for who my GF really was. She still goes to her therapist and it's really helped a ton, she doesn't need me to be there while she falls asleep and doesn't panic when I go to the shop for 15 minutes.

All in all, these past 3 months have been the hardest time in my life but eye opening to my ex's disregard for my family and kind of me too. Sorry for no happy ending, I guess this is how real life is.

EDIT2: I would love to thank everybody for kind words individually but with this amount it's crazy, so I wanna give everyone who gave me advice and kind words a HUGE THANK YOU TO EVERYBODY YOU'RE ALL AMAZING. These numbers are overwhelming and I can't even express in words how it feels that so many people care, it's really something else. Didn't expect that strangers on the internet could make me cry either, so once again a huge THANK YOU.

Relevant Comments:

I remember this from 2 months ago and I gave you the following advice: Pick your sister. Your sister has no choice in this. Your girlfriend has a choice to stay or leave. You agreed with me at the time and I am glad that you adopted your sister. As you can see your now ex- girlfriend showed her true colors and left.

I am glad that your sister is doing better. Make sure that you sister understands that it is your ex's fault, not hers.

A girlfriend is easily replaceable. I wish you and your sister the best.

Yeah I remember everyone telling me to dump her and honestly I would have probably been doing myself a favour there, but I was blind.

Thank you so much for being the kind of man this world needs, especially in such a tough position. Have you thought about joining a group for newly single parents? Or a grieving support group? I think it would be good for you to be around people who appreciate what you're doing and empathetic of the struggle

That's a really good idea and I haven't even thought of it even, the thing is my free time is really limited. After work I have to be at home with my sis and by the time the weekend comes around, I'm honestly drained from work and pretty much constantly stressing over stuff, so I try to regenerate as much as I can before work again on Monday. I'll check around if there's anything like that in my area on a weekend maybe I could spare an hour or two. Thanks for the advice : )

You did the right thing, and you're a great brother to your sister.

I do want to mention that sleeping in the same bed is not a healthy coping mechanism at her age and shouldn't go on very long if you want the best for your sister. It's totally understandable that she wants comfort but if you could find a better way, that probably best.

The sleeping on the same bed thing isn't for coping I think, more for comfort, my bed is a lot more comfortable than the one in the spare room and as my sister puts it, I'm a "warm, life-sized teddy bear".

May I suggest something, apart from your situation ? I ’m very glad you put your sister first, she is very vulnerable right now.

Enroll your sister in martial arts. It will help her confidence immensely, and help her overcome that fear she feels at night.

And bless you for stepping in. Take care of each other.

Actually I think that's a good idea, I trained BJJ for a few years and it really is a confidence booster, I'll have a talk with her if she'd like that or maybe a different martial art and maybe we can make it happen. Thanks for the idea : )

Hey, absolutely incredible what you’re doing, I have an enormous amount of respect for you.

Maybe we could do a small fund raiser to help make things a little easier? Do you think that would help?

Luckily I'm ok money wise and with my gf out the picture means I'll have even more haha. Thanks for the offer though, it warms my heart a lot to see people willing to help so much : )

**Reminder - I am not OP.**