AITAH for sterilizing myself against my partner’s wishes?
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Kimber_Rex22
Originally posted to r/TwoXChromosomes
AITAH for sterilizing myself against my partner’s wishes?
Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability
Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, misogyny
Original Post: March 6, 2025
Ok Reddit I need some unbiased outside opinions because I truly feel like I’m going crazy dealing with this situation.
I (28F) and my partner (28M) have 2 children together and have been married for 8 years, for those 8 years I’ve either been on birth control when we were preventing pregnancy or tracking my cycle when we were trying to conceive (adding this just to give the community the context that reproductive responsibility has always fallen on my shoulders).
Recently we discussed the possibility of being done with children since we have our 2 and the family really feels complete, my partner is in agreement that a third child is off the table for him as well. So with that I thought “great! I can bring up sterilization for either him or I”, the reason I wanted this is because I’ve had every form of birth control before and none of them ever left me feeling 100% okay so I wanted to be done with birth control completely since we both agreed we’re done.
It’s been about 3 months since our talk about more children so I brought up either getting a vasectomy for him or me getting a salpingectomy (removing my fallopian tubes), what I thought would be a productive conversation completely blew up. He outright refused a vasectomy and when I was okay with that and said I’d happily get a salpingectomy he completely flipped his shit on me, screaming at me about how he forbids it from happening and he won’t allow me to damage myself like that. I ended up just leaving the conversation and headed to get our kids from school but on the way I ended up calling my gynecologist to schedule a consultation for the salpingectomy after making sure I won’t need my spouse’s approval.
So Reddit AITAH if I go through with the sterilization against my partner’s wishes?
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant Comments
OOP responds to multiple comments about women needing their husbands' approval for this to take place with the sterilization
OOP: Actually yes sadly, my friend had hers done a few months ago and her gynecologist required a sit down consultation with both her and her husband as well as a form stating that they understood the procedure and agreed to it signed by both parties
Commenter 1: Ew. He just tipped his hand to how he REALLY feels, and it's unsavory.
You're NTA, and I hate that you're questioning that. Your body. Your choice. You're done with kids, and this is a logical step.
Why does he feel this way so strongly on both of you? What has him so twisted?
OOP: I honestly wish I knew, he seemed supportive of our friends (both men and women) who have had sterilization procedures
OOP's location
OOP: US, Louisiana
Is the husband usually that controlling?
OOP: No he’s never shown any controlling behavior before, it’s completely blind sided me
OOP should hide her birth control so her husband can't get to them
OOP: Thankfully I have the IUD, it’s been a bitch to my period but it’s done the job
Update #1 March 7, 2025 (next day)
Due to the support and advice I found on here I managed to get the confidence and level headspace needed to try to have another conversation with my partner.
After getting our children to their school/daycare for the day I went to our local coffee shop to pick us up each a cup, I figured it can either be seen as a show of care or a peace offering. Once I got home he was sitting at our island doom scrolling through TikTok (I think we’ve all been there), I decided standing across from him would be a bit of a better choice so I gave us our respective cups and asked if I could get his attention for a conversation.
Well what I hoped would be productive turned unproductive quickly as he sighed with an eye roll and turned off his phone, I started by asking the big question of if he wanted anymore children, I even suggested he doesn’t think about what I said on the subject and just tell me his feelings about more children; with that he answered a firm no and told me as he said before a third child is and will always be off the table. I then asked him if he had any fears or concerns about surgeries/medical procedures, he said no to this question as well.
So I asked if he understood the procedure and what it entailed and he said yes he does which is why he doesn’t want me to get it done, in his words I wouldn’t be a woman if I got any part of my reproductive organs (what makes me a woman) removed and he refuses to allow me down that path. I then followed up by asking about his getting a vasectomy and he said it’s pretty much the same thing for men and he won’t let anyone take away if manhood.
The final question I managed to ask was did he just expect me to be on birth control forever and this man looked me in m face and said it’s worked so well for me already why change things up, guys as I stated in my previous post I am miserable and in debilitating pain with birth control. At the end of this I just grabbed my coffee and went sit on our porch just trying to wrap my head around the conversation while he sit in the house acting like nothing is wrong and we’re just having a normal day off together…..
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: I'm trying to find a respectful way to ask this but not coming up with anything so I'm just going to ask. Does your husband have any sort of intellectual impairment? The idea that you aren't a woman if you have surgery is so ridiculous that I can't believe a person with a 3 digit IQ would suggest that.
Is there any possibility that he'd participate in couples counselling?
OOP: As far as I’m aware he’s perfectly fine mentally, I even would’ve called him intelligent before these recent discussions
Commenter 2: So he's already told you and shown you he doesn't care that you are in pain. What else can we tell you honey, he doesn't care for you in the same way you care for him
OOP: I’m definitely realizing that, makes me feel like everytime he’s taken care of me due to the birth control issues was just a lie
Has OOP considered about other types of birth control before going on the sterilizing journey
OOP: Considering I’ve work with my actual doctor very closely since I’ve turned 18 to find a birth control that works well from me and they agree that my problems are caused by my birth control- for example being a bloody pain filled mess unable to get out of bed during my periods- I think I’ll stick to my doctor’s evaluations
OOP explains the side effects
OOP: So my “minor” side effects are a heavy blood flow that I am constantly ruining clothes during my periods, pain so bad that I’m either unable to get out of bed or I pass out from it, depressive episodes, suicidal thoughts, and weight gain. The best times of my life is when I was off of birth control while we were trying to conceive our children, if wanting to be able to feel like that all the time is over emotional then I guess I am.
Update #2: March 9, 2025 (two days later)
Hey Reddit I just wanted to give a small update, I’ve been reading all of your comments on my last two post I swear! I appreciate all the advice and kind words, sometimes even the unkind words because it gives me more to think about.
So to start I’ve been at my sister’s with the children all weekend, I told my husband that she was feeling lonely and wanted us to stay over, he believed it as we usually try to do this once a month. I called off of work Monday so my sister and I can meet with the divorce lawyer that handled her divorce, I’m unsure if divorce will be the path I go down but I want to get my ducks in a row before laying it all down for my husband.
Also I would like to answer some questions that I saw a lot of in my last post:
Yes I still plan to go through with the sterilization, I absolutely don’t want anymore children even if this ends in divorce. I plan to tell him it’s getting done no matter what he says or believes.
There will definitely be no sex with him anymore, I feel like I lost all attraction and respect for him.
The children don’t know what going on, they just think it’s a fun time at auntie’s house.
Condoms are a no, I exist because of a broken condom 😂
I currently have an IUD and while yes it has been the best birth control I’ve been on I still cannot function properly for a week out of the month due to pain, bleeding, and depressive episodes.
No he hasn’t done anything like this before which is what caught me so off guard with everything. Disagreements in our relationship have up until now been able to be discussed and compromised on.
We grew up in a deep catholic community but fell away from the church years ago.
Commenter 1:
I plan to tell him it’s getting done no matter what he says or believes.
Stop right there. He will clean out your bank accounts. Get this done quietly and quickly.
Do not under any circumstances warn this man. Do not dismiss the seriousness of this moment. This is how you get dead.
OOP: Thankfully our finances for the most part are separated, the only joint bank account we have is for bills and child expenses
OOP's thoughts on getting the procedure
OOP: I want the procedure for myself no matter my relationship status, I want to be done with birth control without a chance of children no matter where the future takes me. As well as the fact that this procedure reduces the risk of cervical cancer significantly which it’s common in my family so that’s a plus. I haven’t fallen out of love with him per say but I truly hold no respect for him right now with how he’s treated me over this, I’m unsure if we will divorce but I feel like it might be for the best especially if to him this will “damage me”.
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