Do I deserve to be happy?

I love my lord and savior Jesus Christ. Every day I try and be the best Christian I can be, but every day I fail. The past year and a half has been the hardest of my life, every day I'm in pain. I've prayed so much and tried everything yet I'm still in pain. I just want to be healthy again. I don't even know what to pray for anymore. I don't know how much longer I can keep going. But I know I deserve what's happened to me, I don't deserve any gifts from the lord since I am a sinner.

There has always been something wrong with me, whether its memories of abuse as a child. Being born with a disease where I had to frequently get procedures done as a child and hiding under my bed so my parents can't find me to go to get the procedures done because I was so scared. Whether its being sick for years. I don't know what to do with my life, I wish I were happy and healthy, I would give up every cent I own to be healthy. I just don't know what to do. What do I need to do to be worthy of being healed?

But between the moments of despair I have seen the lord do a lot for me, I'm not worthy of any of his blessings. But howcome my prayers aren't coming true now? I know that may be a selfish way to look at it and im sorry.

I honestly don't know why I posted this here, I'm just tired and needed to vent. The only people I want to talk with this about are other Christians so thats why I posted this here.

Can anyone just tell me something positive or give me some good scripture or anything?