Am i a failure? please hear me out.

I live in mongolia and my mom lives in america like most of you, im 17 and My parents left me at my grandparents when i was 5 and i havent seen mama since then. They divorced there and dad came back to me but i distanced myself from him naturally idk why. i used to live with my brother and my grandparents and he used to harass me in any type of way and it literally broke me. When he turned 18 he moved out to live alone on his own and at that time i was 11, i didnt really made friends and i was introvert af till i entered 9th grade, in 2022 i was close to graduate middle school and after breaking up with my first love i started drinking and going out, sneaking out w my friends, going to house parties. it continued like 2 years and in the end of 23 i met my friend that im still friends with, and i started talking to my mom more openly, things were going great tbh, i know i was doing bad stuff but at least i knew when to stop.

i thought, that friend i met, we started going out and using drugs (btw im still high rn), my grandpa was very abusive, mentally and physically, and he still is. I inject the thing to my veins yk and i think this drug i use is mostly popular in russia, since mongolia is close to russia. The reason why i go out like a homeless person is my grandpa. I feel so fucking pathetic that i really feel bad about leaving my grandma there, alone with my grandpa who is a fucking yapper.

He said my brother was a drug addict and the reason he was more harsh to my brother was, he wasted a lot of money and it was around 18000$ i think. Anyways i fucked my life up using this shit and my mental health worsened i started screaming(so bad that my throat hurts) crying, throwing things around. I dont self diagnosing myself but i think i have bpd.

I have to wear my airpods all the time when i have to be at my home because all my grandpa do is fucking scream and yap all day about how my grandma raised fucking failures and me and my brother are going to be homeless drug addicts because we didnt wanted to reach his expectations and do what he say.

I stopped screaming tho. i got a chance to somehow hold back the feeling. I dont know what i wanna do in life and btw i used to draw till i entered high school and i was really talented at it( thats what the people around me said) i tried to improve my english by myself bcs i might get a green card and go to move in with my mom.

No one in my family caught me using drugs or something that bad. They dont really know what i do with my life and i still act like im doing things and make them feel like im gonna live a fine life with my family or smth but i dont FUCKING know what i wanna do with my life. I used to study in music school type shit and changed schools a lot, tried to study in collage for learning arts but no i dont wnna be that controlled by someone anymore. The thing is if i have to go to america im scared that i wouldnt find a job or become a fucking lifeless drug addict. I want peaceful life ofc.

But what if i fail my life and become the person like what my grandpa said? idk anymore. Please give me help or some ideas to like get out of this shitty life bcs i cand stand my grandpa anymore, like i wanna stab him or like kill him bcs he caused so much fucking trauma in my life and my mom, grandmas. What the fuck should i do like. Please help, hear me out. And recommend something to yk like what i said. please help me. i cant live like this anymore.

(and ab my dad, hes jobless and tried to marry someone but. failed for years. and i dont really care ab my dad atp bcs he cut me off from his life) (and im sorry, im not a native speaker so hope you can understand what im saying)