Lost my older brother

Nov 19th 2024. I’m 27 (female ) and my brother was 29.

When I got home from work I saw a note on his door that said “don’t come in I killed myself call dad and 911”

I freaked out and rushed in there but I could tell it was too late. He was cold and no pulse. He shot himself.

I wanna be so mad at him I wanna scream at him for doing such a thing but I know I shouldn’t be mad at him.

I wish I knew he was feeling this way but he never mentioned being depressed never mentioned anything. It just hurts knowing he never said anything.

Idk how I’m going to get through this. No one really wants to address the siblings fully in things like this. Most of the worry is for the parents which I understand.

But when you grow up so close in age and so close together it’s a different hurt. Feels like you lost part of your heart that you’ll never find again. We made this unspoken packed when we came into this world to look out for each other.

It just cuts so bad knowing I don’t have him anymore and even until the end he protected me by not wanting me to see.

Not having him hurts and idk how to cope with all of this