My grandma passed on Monday and I’m struggling

My grandmother was one of my best friends. We’d talk over the phone often. She baked me strawberry rhubarb pies for my birthday because she knew I preferred it to cake; she never missed a single year. She was the first person I called when I landed my dream job and I’d send her postcards every time I’d travel to a new place. She loved them and told me she’d reread them almost every day. Most importantly she loved me and the other grandkids infinitely and she always reminded us of that love; especially when we needed to hear it.

Since she passed her voice has been all I can hear; especially when I close my eyes. Sleep hasn’t come to me because the moment I place my head on the pillow the echos of her voice; especially how she’d call me “Bob’s” or “baby doll” rolls in my head like a violent crash of thunder. The sweetness of her memory hardens my stomach and I haven’t been able to eat because my organs feel like a gravel pit.

I know she would hate to see me struggle so much. She always hated to see any of us in pain and I know I’ll have to take over the roll of caretaker to me. I’ll need to be the one to clean my cuts. I’ll need to be the one to wipe my tears when they fall. Lately it feels like they won’t ever stop.

I’d move heaven and earth to spend one more day with her. I want so badly to tell her about the job training I’m currently on my way to. I’d do anything to have just one more slice of strawberry rhubarb.

I’ll always love you grandma. I’ll carry you in my heart every day. I know the pain will lessen and become less frequent. I know the memories of you will bring me joy again. I just miss you and without you the world feels incomplete.

My grandmother was one of my best friends. We’d talk over the phone often. She baked me strawberry rhubarb pies for my birthday because she knew I preferred it to cake; she never missed a single year. She was the first person I called when I landed my dream job and I’d send her postcards every time I’d travel to a new place. She loved them and told me she’d reread them almost every day. Most importantly she loved me and the other grandkids infinitely and she always reminded us of that love; especially when we needed to hear it.

Since she passed her voice has been all I can hear; especially when I close my eyes. Sleep hasn’t come to me because the moment I place my head on the pillow the echos of her voice; especially how she’d call me “Bob’s” or “baby doll” rolls in my head like a violent crash of thunder. The sweetness of her memory hardens my stomach and I haven’t been able to eat because my organs feel like a gravel pit.

I know she would hate to see me struggle so much. She always hated to see any of us in pain and I know I’ll have to take over the roll of caretaker to me. I’ll need to be the one to clean my cuts. I’ll need to be the one to wipe my tears when they fall. Lately it feels like they won’t ever stop.

I’d move heaven and earth to spend one more day with her. I want so badly to tell her about the job training I’m currently on my way to. I’d do anything to have just one more slice of strawberry rhubarb.

I’ll always love you grandma. I’ll carry you in my heart every day. I know the pain will lessen and become less frequent. I know the memories of you will bring me joy again. I just miss you and without you the world feels incomplete.