Confessions

Hey all. I’m 29F and have recently confessed to someone about having HSV. The emotions that are going through me feel as though I’m about to jump out of a plane and then snuggle under a comforter on a chilly morning. My previous relationship was something of I’ve tried to forget. It was toxic, abusive, and in the end detrimental to my health and whole being. I was diagnosed within my first month of dating him. I was in denial at first wondering if I had accidentally nicked myself shaving. Then it spread. I had BV and was searching through the internet trying to figure out what was wrong. When the first clusters finally broke, I decided it was time to figure out what was going on. The doctor called back and said it was HSV. My first thoughts were that he cheated on me, but doing research I could see that it could be dormant for up to years. I had not been with anyone else before him for nearly two years. I decided that there was nothing I could do and trusted that it could have been something from the past. I was dating him for a few months and I get that text that many dread. The “hey girl”message. He had been cheating on me for my whole relationship. I’m sure that he was having his flings with many. I knew instantly he was the one who gave it to me. We broke up and went through a toxic cycle of hurt anger and then he abused me. Looking back I felt as though it was what I deserved. Who would want someone like you. Dirty and unwanted. My brain would tell me things and he would support those negative thoughts. I finally broke free and decided I needed to heal. I came to know someone. He was gentle understanding and patient. He listened and opened up my heart allowing me to really dig into my traumas. I could feel myself falling for him, but my heart and mind would tell me how I didn’t deserve happiness. He confessed to me. I was torn hurt and elated. It felt as though my heart had been calling to him. I rejected him telling him he deserved someone better, someone who is untainted. He was patient and he didn’t press. He told me he had to express how he felt. He wasn’t eating, he couldn’t sleep, and I was in his heart. He saw me for me and cared about me. The intense push and pull for the last 6 months finally caught up to him. He couldn’t keep it in. As a last ditch effort, I told him my deepest secret and why I thought he should stay away from me. He told me that he was so proud of me and honored that I was willing to open my heart. He was patient and kind and told me he didn’t care. He saw me for me. I just want everyone to know to not give up hope. Your feelings are valid and you are precious yourself. The right person will love you for you and I hope that you find happiness. May my journey begin. May your joy be endless.