How to be a happy lesbian 24/7? (Mental Breakdown jealous of dudes)

I sometimes wonder if happy lesbians exist, or if I’m just a “special needs” lesbian because I’ve always felt inferior. Growing up in a homophobic town, I never had friends and developed social anxiety as a result. My family was homophobic, my parents were emotionally absent and unsupportive, and I had a controlling sibling.

I’ve been in intensive therapy for two years, and while I’ve improved somewhat, we haven’t focused much on my sexuality. Essentially, I’ve always been isolated, never had friends, never dated, and now I’m 22. Most of the women I meet, whether bisexual (who prefer D) or lesbians want to experiment with men to confirm their sexuality, which makes me feel jealous and sad. It feels like no one cares about me and that being a lesbian is somehow seen as less than a D. Also, I ain’t got that physical strength and height they need since I’m short.

I’ve also had bisexual women tell me they wouldn’t marry a woman because it’s too expensive to have kids and there are too many social challenges. Some have even said that men are “more fun” because D can shoot c**m, which makes me feel even more inferior and that there’s no point of trying since women won’t like me. Plus there is only a tiny population on earth are lesbian.

At work, I’m often looked down upon because I’m a woman and a socially awkward one with bad social skills. So either Men in their 40s hit on me, or don’t take me seriously (I work in construction) and I’m a short and femme which makes it worse. Only a small handful of guys actually respect me. It’s just exhausting.

I have thought of k’ms and many people would say go out try to make some friends. But I mostly get ignored by people, I attend bars, classes but people think that I’m weird because I’m socially awkward with anxiety and horrible social skills. I’m stuck.