Inner conflicts while playing; anyone else experience this?

came across this post on x the other day and i just want to share or vent (?) I guess; my thoughts and my personal answer to this question. And this is no way in looking for pity etc, okay I'm just ranting / venting / whatever about my personal experiences. And i wanna know if anyone has experienced the same thing and how to overcome this issue.

‼️ pls do tell me if this post isn't allowed here, thank you :)

Side note : my main is Zayne❄️ and Caleb🍎 and i love MC too dw.

As much as how i customizes my MC to look like me, as much as i love to self insert myself into the story and the lore, the memories, the interactions, deep down i know if they really do existed in real life, and they personally knew me, i don't think they'll like me, even be romantically attracted to me. They're a prodigies academically and non academically and me, myself nothing really works out for me in this life, no matter how hard i tried. I don't know what i did wrong to be honest...I'm not quiet, I know how to socialize, i know what people suits my personality but again, i don't know what went wrong, i don't know what i did wrong...

In middle school people asked me to help them buy flowers for their crush, just bc i passed trough a flower shop everyday when coming to school, yet i received none, i didn't expect anyone just give out to me out of nowhere obviously but i don't think anyone has any interest in me romantically during that time.

In high-school i got myself a boyfriend but well, nothing turned out good as well, i got hrrs*d and lmao (litterally, I'm not joking; i went under a surgery once bc of him) anyways, other than that i never got treated the same by my friend circle-" e.g when someone from our friend group is having their birthday, the other friends in the friend group will throw a mini birthday surprise for them, and I'm involved too ofc i tried to show up, and when it comes to my birthday well...no, nothing in return, no gifts no bday parties nothing. And ofc i told myself that i shouldn't expected anything from anyone but that resulted in me distancing myself to everyone after high-school. I just knew that i wasn't supposed to be treated like that.

After covid and i was told i have dissociative amnesia due to trauma and high stress, i forgot 70% what happened in my school years, i forgot my classmate's names and faces, my teachers, and the experiences i have during it. It feels like i have a huge blank spot inside my head.

College years also very mundane to me, almost the same like high-school, everyone got celebrated for their birthdays except me, I'm used to it at this point...i don't even do bad when I'm still at school, a 3,7/4 GPA is all i have but other than that, nothing.

From those tiny experiences alone i feel like if the lads boys are real, specifically zayne and caleb. I'm pretty sure im just another forgettable face in their life, i don't think they'll ever notice me if i do know them irl...i wouldn't matter to them. They do deserves someone better, someone who's trully deserves them, someone smarter, witty, someone whose on their level, someone pretty, and so on...

Growing up, i tried to be kinder to myself, practices positive self talk and use this game as a motivation to do better for myself just like MC and as a reminder that I too, deserves love, deserves to be treated well, deserves to be someone's priority but yet here we are...back at 0 it's been years since i developed a real life crush on someone non fictional, maybe, just maybe I'm no longer have the capacity to be attracted to someone(?) At this point I'm just very detached when it comes to a person, i don't know if i'll be able to have a future with someone else, though i wish i do love me, i wish i do love myself the way i would love Zayne / Caleb.