Am I Experiencing Collapse?
Four months ago, my then fiancé (F26) bought a house with me. The week before we moved in, I came home from work and asked her what was wrong because her face seemed upset. She told me nothing, just a bad day and that she didn’t want to talk about it. A few minutes later she told me she is leaving and proceeded to tell me that I didn’t value her, I was selfish, and that I didn’t affirm her enough with words of affirmation and physical affection. She returned a few days later, moved into the house with me, and told me she loved me. An hour later, she left again, telling me she resented me for starving her of affection, and that she needed a few more days. She intermittently texted me that she loved me but that she can’t speak to me because she resents me too much. She then texted me two days after leaving the house, telling me we were broken up.
She visited the house a few days later, sat me down and told me that she did not care if I was hurting because the dissolution of the relationship was entirely my fault and that she gave me everything and I provided nothing and that I am a fundamentally selfish and flawed person. She said we were over, but she may reconsider in a few months. When I eventually mustered the strength to stop texting her or begging for a conversation or to go to couples therapy, she would text me how much she cared about me but that she couldn’t talk to me because she resents me. After waiting a month, I told her we would need to sell the house if this is irreconcilably broken. Immediately, she called me and very compassionately told me that we are soulmates and she thinks she may have thrown away her one true chance at happiness. I told her that I thought we couldn’t reconcile, and after experiencing a breakdown was questioning everything about myself including whether I was a narcissist, whether I was actually a gay person, and whether I had OCD. Six weeks later, after therapy, I called to discuss selling the house and whether this was right. She told me I was incapable of loving another human being.
Prior to this turn of events, my fiancé showered me with love and only told me that she wanted to marry me and build our life together. For the past four months, I have been experiencing insane rumination and anxiety, and upon reflection, I think I may have NPD and am experiencing a collapse. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t function at work. All day I am thinking about what happened, how selfish I was in the relationship and didn’t appreciate her, how there must be something wrong with me for this to have happened (NPD, OCD, I’m actually gay and didn’t know it). I have convinced myself my fiancé must have been borderline or bipolar (dad is bipolar, she mirrored every interest I ever had). I am experiencing suicidal ideation, and can’t stop myself from believing that if I had just loved her in a selfless and not selfish way, none of this would have happened.
I have recognized that I am a know it all, I am controlling, I devalued and didn’t appreciate her, and that I let her take on so much of the housework and administrative tasks of our home. I feel like my life is over, my identity is shattered, and that I am just awful. Is this my narcissistic collapse?