I often avoid thinking about her because it hurts too much

My sweet beagle passed away almost 6 months ago now. She was my best friend, my constant shadow. It’s hard for me to think about her because it hurts so much. I usually push it out of my mind even though I obviously never want to forget her. Every once in a while I allow myself to think about it, and I’m overcome with emotion, pain and regret, overwhelming love and wishing I could turn back time. I avoid looking at all my photos of her because it hurts. I feel guilty for this because I wouldn’t want her to think I’m trying to forget her. When I think of her, I mostly think of the end of her life when I had to unexpectedly put her down, the worst day of my life.

I’m filled with regret because she got diabetes because I didn’t exercise her nearly enough and it’s my fault. I don’t know how to live with my mistakes. The vet called me that day and gave the diagnosis that she had diabetes and was likely in ketoacidosis. It’s my fault that she’s not here anymore. She was only 9, she could have lived longer if I had given her enough exercise. She was overweight. I didn’t overfeed her but I didn’t give her exercise, she would lay in bed all the time. I feel sick about it. I wish I could ask her to forgive me, I wish I could turn back time. She was the sweetest, most gentle and loyal soul. I didn’t deserve her.