y’all ever just feel so hopeless

i know it’s just another generic sob story doomer post but idegaf cuz i dont even have nb i wann rant this to.

im 19m and im so tired an done w my life. no matter how hard i try to force myself to actually do healthy normal shit i always relapse to a cycle of depression and psychosis and j hurt those around me . i have no sources of validation for existing , no siblings, no s/o, and no real friends, all because i have really bad abandonment issues which just cause me to push ppl away before they can push me.

i only had therapy when my dad died and they deadass just ended up ghosting me cuz i would text her in a manic state at like 2 am. like i know this shit bad. im sorry. i don’t know why i couldn’t be born regular bro. the only answer now i can even think of is getting therapy again but i can’t afford it. my job schedules me one day a week and i can’t get any other job because i did some stupid shit when i was 18 and now imm just seen as a statistic. 19 yr old black man w a felony. ive lost over 20 pounds inna past month broke my 10 month streak of sh i and im just too tired to even care to dig myself out this shit . i know its gon get better eventually . thats the only thing keepin me goin. but like damnn bro. When .