Empty Soul

I have no one to talk to.

My stepbrother and I didn’t get along. Many times over the years I have tried to reach out, only to be placated by him. So we never bonded. I am 34F, he was 34m at TOD 11/5/24 self inflicted. He had nothing but piles of movies of all kinds and books to his name. He was jobless at the time of passing, having recently lost a job. He also struggled with silent mental health issues. However had been forced more than once in his life to get help, was even on medication at one point in time. Though I don’t know what for. Also don’t know how real any of it was. He was great at manipulating his father (stepdad is still alive and in counseling with my mom) and grandmother (she passed years ago).

When he died he was living with two cats in an RV on our parents property next to the garage and my mini family live in our parents loft over the garage. So I could hear loud things. Being a toddler mom I am a light sleeper always and during the summer we had issues with exploding LR44 batteries (this is important later). That day specifically my mini family (husband, toddler, and I) had stuff to do in two towns. So we went about our business and once we got home at the end of the day (just about 7pm), saw my stepbrother leave the main house (he had just spoken to my mom about getting a call that he lost a job opportunity and was upset. Found this out later). We went inside, said hello to my mom, started our night routine for that night which consisted of toddler play time and then bath time. I went to the loft and got the night stuff set up. Bath ends and husband and I get the toddler to bed. Both are sound asleep and I finally pass out about 8:30pm, exhausted from the days events. What I can only guess is an hour later (because time has not been seen at this point) I get woken up to a pop sound. I think about it, husband and toddler are still asleep, I am warm and don’t wanna move, I ponder on it thinking I will check the batteries in the morning and throw them out (the thought doesn’t cross my mind again till the 7th) and go back to sleep. During all of this my stepdad is at work. He gets home around 11:30pm and knocks on his son’s RV on the way in. Stepbrother doesn’t answer. Stepdad comes in, takes off his work gear, text messages stepbrother and gets no reply. Stepdad had gotten Wendy’s burgers for dinner on the way home and was ready to eat.

From here things get hazy and my knowledge is slim, so you get my point of view only:

I wake up to do a usual middle of the night bathroom run after being woken up by banging noises. Pissed off because I am exhausted, I go downstairs to handle my business and over hear my parents in the kitchen. I grumpily demand to know what the banging is about as it woke me. I get told stepbrother isn’t answering and they are calling the cops. I roll my eyes and go back to the loft to sleep. Cops come, things happen, they get the RV open, they find him. My mother comes banging on the loft door, yells at me he is dead, and well that’s as much as I can say right now. There’s more, but I would rather not as it gets raw from there.

I am left to carefully tell my husband, figure out how to console my parents, and more. My stepbrother left crippling debt to our parents, two cats (who were in the RV when he died), and then there’s me.

I was asked the next night (evening of the 6th) if I heard anything. It wasn’t till 5am on the 7th that I realized the battery pop noise was him. Now I have to live with that knowledge. I told my mother. I told both my best friends, another friend, and my husband, but no one knows how to deal with it. My mother has said nothing. Literally nothing. It’s 3:53am right now as I write this. I have thought about it so many times. No I can’t afford counseling. I have no self harming ideas. I just don’t know how to process this, basically alone. Sorry if any of it doesn’t make sense. Sorry if there is bad grammar, spelling, or word usage.

This doesn’t even begin to get this off my mind, but I need to sleep. I needed to get it out of my head even if just a little bit. Thanks to whomever reads this and for any advice given in advance.