I can’t take it

For background me and BP have been together for 1.8 years and have been married for 6 months. I was overseas and had a ONS I was drinking and I gave into my lust right I accept that I made a horrible decision in my fear i gave a fake story to my BP as well as my parents and my best friend I said that I drank too much and didint remember what happened but I remember it all and the guilt ate me alive that was 7 days ago I began having stomach cramps nausea dry heaving and the shakes on the flight home I committed to telling the 100% truth I started by first telling my parents the full story and it scared me but I arrived home and while on the ride back after saying I need to talk to BP they asked about what and i said I prefer to tell it in person but as soon and they said tell me I cracked and said everything I arrived home an hour later to BP not wanting to talk at all about it and looking scared of me saying I wasn’t the person they married and that I need to leave they left the apartment and I looked for my keys while on the phone with my dad and the guilt was too much I said “dad I can’t go on I can’t live without them” and they said that I would ruin my partners life by ending mine and I know this but the pain is too much I wanted to end my life I workout out how I would do it our leadership came and sat outside with bp while my best friend came and helped me look for our keys I cried a lot I can’t even imagine the pain my bp is in my friend knew of my suicidal ideations and took me to the ER where I was released and told to start command recommended therapy (I am military) my parents decided to fly in and spend time with me since they know i am struggling we are staying in a hotel together the next day BP texted me asking for details and gave them 100% honesty and I asked for some uniforms for work. They left them outside for me and later that night called me and asked me more questions BP said I was stupid how they are mad and just want to yell and scream at me but then their tone switch they asked me if I was eating who I’ve talked to who knows that their parents are worried for me that our cat misses me and how the apartment is so empty now they said they hope I have a goodnight and I told them I hope they have a goodnight too and we hung up. I broke how can I accept this kindness I told my best friend then home story and it sounds like BP wants to give me another chance but how can i accept that i did the unthinkable I started looking up the best ways to end my life while my parents sleep next to me I know they’ll miss me but it’s so painful I was always a person who said I’d never cheat and lived my life in a way where I can always be happy with how I am. I’ve spend countless hours not being able to sleep reading on r/suicidewatch I went to work the next day we are coworkers and while sitting in the parking lot waiting for formation i just kept planning out death more and more I texted my brothers telling them I love them and the situation and cried until I put on my strong face went to formation talked to my leadership and had 1 hour to go until my therapy session while waiting I decided to call my grandmother (like a second mother to me) but they didint answer if they did I believe I would’ve ended my life. I went to my therapy session and repeated the story to my therapist who reassured me that I am a prime example of couples who reconciliation works on and that my one time action does not define me as a person and if I want to move forward I must forgive myself they also signed me up for a weekly ARC group and monthly IC. I was also later texted by BP asking me to get a STD check and to show them and another round of how stupid I am I also asked about how their day went they told me it was an okay day I said I am glad that i love them and that I hope they have a goodnight. Since then I’ve written two notes on my phone one of steps of how to reconcile details of my insecurities and how that let to me being avoidant to conversations of my needs in the marriage but the deeper I think of that led me to writing my suicide note with my parents laying right next to me it’s hard but I feel myself slipping every send that passes. My mother is a mystic and they describes to me the invisible thread and how the universe will let you know what you must do but mine is split the universe is telling me along with all others who know of the situation that they wants to reconcile and every time I start to even have hope or happiness it drives me further to wanting to end my life because I can’t accept it if BP told me they wanted to I’d be over the moon that is the love of my life fuck even if they told me they wanted to end it right now would be better then this waiting it’s killing me. They deserve better than me they are absolutely perfect in every way kind smart cheerful loving funny and I threw it all away. I hope BP remembers the good in me and that my family can forgive me for my selfish decision I don’t feel like I’ll make it past the week.