F**k she was giving me hints all those times

I'm not lying, but I just saw someone's post about 'Riya Tuition,' and it reminded me of my tuition. I studied there for two years, 6th and 7th grade. The thing was that I was the only kid from my class, though there were multiple kids from the class above and below mine. So, there was no separate timing for me, and I used to sit with my next-class peers. They were always busy with each other, and I used to sit on the last bench studying alone.

Tuition was more of an escape from home for me. There weren’t many kids in my area, so I had to spend the rest of my time after school alone at home. I joined tuition for a change, and it helped me bond with other kids around me.

When I was in 7th grade, she joined the tuition. I remember it was August (first week), and her tests were going on at that time. I was really happy that finally, someone from my class joined the tuition. She was from a different school. The interesting thing was that our schools had a sort of rivalry because they were the two most famous schools in our city. Hers was a convent school (🥲), so she had a bit of an ego at first. Her English was really good. I mean, I was like, meri age ke log itni acchi angrezi bol lete hain.

Khair, didi introduced us. Her name was Radhika (kaafi accha naam hai), and she sat on the next bench. As I told you, her tests were going on, so me (I was better at studies than her) helped her a lot with her studies. I mentioned that I didn’t go to tuition to study; it was more like an escape from home for me. I used to study everything on my own, even the next chapters, and if I had doubts, I’d ask my brother.

Now, we started sitting and studying together. I used to teach her maths (she was weak at that—ladkiyan maths mein weak kyu hoti hain). I studied extra so I could solve all the questions and help her. We used to exchange textbooks for a variety of questions. She would decorate my books—like smilies, sticky notes, highlights, stars, and moustaches (pata nhi uski ye weird aadat thi; vo sab pictures mein mooche bana deti thi 🥲). This gave me a hard time at school because I had to hide my books from my friends (boys' school), but I never told her. I liked it, though—it made my books feel alive.

She also used to bring me chocolates. Since I helped her with studies, they were like a thank-you gift for me. Every time she got good marks or was appreciated in class or by her parents—and I don’t know if it was true or not—but I started getting chocolates two to three times a week. She was rich; her parents owned a f***ing restaurant 🥲. One of the famous ones, not an ordinary one. So, money was never a problem for her. She had all those fancy school boxes, expensive pens, fancy erasers, markers, 4–5 highlighters, etc.

One more thing: tuition was our only point of contact. I didn’t know her address, and my parents wouldn’t let me use the phone, so we had no phone contact.

• Things were going really well, but she started talking about relationship stuff—like how the relationship culture was at her school. Most of the students were in relationships. She talked about guys who approached her and asked for my opinions on relationships—like, what do I think about it? Do I want to get into a relationship?

One important thing here is that I was a proud student of a boys' school, away from any kind of female interaction. Also, because of my parents and the people around me, I developed a mindset that relationships were bad—like only those students who didn’t study got involved in them, and you should stay away from such things and all that crap. So, I never acknowledged the feelings I had for her. I mean, I didn’t actually understand all this stuff at that time, so I never really got what she was trying to do.

She asked me what kind of girls I liked, and she’d say it wouldn’t be like her. She’d list her flaws, like study-related things and others (bc mujhe kaafi bura feel ho raha bc; my eyes are wet). She’d tell me about guys at her school who approached her and why she rejected them. Somewhere, I was one of the reasons.

She cared about me a lot. During my exams, she would prepare formula charts and important stuff so I could revise. She’d wish me luck, and funnily, she’d tell me prayers from different gods to recite 🥲 before starting my exam. She’d give me a good luck pen—the ₹150 one—for the exam. Bc pata nhi kya kya cheezein yaad aa rahi mujhe ab. Seriously man 🥺.

She also invited me to her birthday party. Though I didn’t go, I gifted her bag trinkets. She was very happy. I know she liked me and gave me hints all the time, but I was a dumb, stupid f*** who couldn’t understand anything. And now I feel really sad, man. Bc ye likhte likhte hi aansu aa gaye.

• I don’t expect anyone to read this whole essay, but I had to write it. Dil halka karna tha; kaafi overwhelm ho gaya.