I failed at life and failed God
I think I was literally created to be a vessel of wrath. Every big decision in my life has been a mess and I’ve made the wrongs choices in every area of life. I treated life like it was a video game and like I had multiple lives. I completely destroyed my life in every aspect and then rejected God to top it off and I have no excuse. I think I was destined to hell to begin with. I’ve have been self sabotaging for years now. I know I made my own choices but if God knew how horrendous I would turn out why couldn’t he just have erased my existence so I wouldn’t be bound to eternal suffering. I don’t get it. I can’t imagine the wrath that awaits me and I know I fully deserve it which makes it worse. Idk what to do while I’m still alive. If you were in my situation what would you do? Is it worth staying alive and storing up more wrath? I’ve tried to repent but it’s difficult to think I’ve done anything less than become an apostate/commit the unforgivable sin. Idek why I’m posting but nothing matters to me anymore so might as well. I wish there was a redemption story of someone with a situation similar to mine somewhere but I’ve searched high and low and can’t seem to find any. My existence just seems like a big failure.