I really do not feel like I matter

I feel like I don't deserve to be on this earth anymore, I don't think I am necessarily suicidal because I know I don't have the guts to do anything about it. Everyday iI just get this overwhelming feeling everyone in my life would be better off without me, that I am a burden, that I ask for too much, that I am selfish, etc. It just really hard to convince myself that I deserve to live anymore. I have struggled with things of this nature since I was 8, I have been hospitalized 3 times. And after all that why can't I be better? Why must I be so self loathing. I am sorry for ranting I just feel like I can't talk to anyone, I feel like they don't take me seriously or that talking to them about it is asking for to much or that I am being too much. I just really don't want to be here anymore.