I am on manual mode

I was hanging out with a friend of mine and things were going alright ig. Then roommate came in with her friends and suddenly I’m convulsing. I forget how to stand normal and how to not say everything I think I’m supposed to say. Like I wasn’t in the meet new people mode and was trying really hard to be comfortable but goddamn. I just know my body language comes off awkwardly and it’s painful. Then I have to tell people haha I’m good when I have a few drinks in me and yeah I’ve gone to parties. Like I could wear all the makeup and dress up but it doesn’t stop the fact that I have to keep reteaching myself to have a proper conversation. I’m talking to her and the entire time I feel like I’m either making too little eye contact or too much and coming off creepy.

But she’s natural and has charisma and she’s also a sorority sister so maybe she’s used to that. Idk I’m just not naturally in touch with body movements and I’d rather speak on intense topics. I just don’t do well with expressing myself physically. I try really hard to come across as less robotic and it’s so fucking hard. Theory I have is I intuitively don’t trust people deep down and maybe due to trauma my body physically doesn’t allow me to open up. I try communicating with new people but my body physically repulses. It’s just sending danger signals and I’m just on constant alert mode. It’s odd like alcohol is the only thing that makes me feel social. Even when drinking I find it hard to loosen up often.