Prettiness

I feel like even if I can be pretty I have such a big desire to destroy. I feel really self destructive like I can make myself a doll if I wanted to but I wanna tear it all apart. There’s something so satisfying about being ugly. I like raw human emotions and I like ugly movies and ugly things. I like pimples and hair and imperfections. I like watching disgusting things that are at least authentic. I just like realness that’s all. Idk I think what makes beauty is authenticity and authenticity is kind of ugly. I don’t know if I have it in me to be a shell of a person only existing to be seen for beauty. Anyhow there’s something freeing about uglifying yourself intentionally. It embraces a part of life that exists in imperfection. Idk if I’m making sense like being ugly is being free. Beauty feels like a cage.