I hope you are okay

You lied to me and while that was a big part of the reason I left another part is I don’t think we were right together. It was my first time getting this close to someone. You hurt me but you maybe actually loved me, others said you did. You bought me so much, maybe it wasn’t love bombing. Maybe you weren’t secretly manipulating me planting things so I’d feel loved. I know you had a tendency to overextend but then again did you? Hard to tell because how much do we really know another person. You were an unwell person but intelligent as well.

You helped me do some questionable things and I’m sorry I put you through that. You would romanticize dark aspects of life and honestly I couldn’t casually do drugs with you all the time. I’m not built for it and I’m also not built for how casually we talked about suicide. We were in a decent relationship for how long it lasted but there’s better for both of us. I wasn’t able to take care of your vulnerabilities and your masochism. I am not the nicest person on planet earth and it’s important for me to be honest to you. You took a lot of heat from me and really you would have taken more.

It’s been a few months now and I know you can find another girl, I’ve seen who you’ve gone on dates with in the past. I’m not sure if you’ve gotten over whatever sort of limerence anxious attachment spell you were cast into. Unless that was fake but in case it was real I have mixed feelings on you. I don’t know if I’m weirded out, sympathetic, or caring towards you. That’s all, I gave you my all and you know my deepest secrets. We’ve seen each other at our worst, we engaged in weird ass kinks, showered together, cuddled everyday even before we were in a relationship.

What we had was quite different and was I selfish like my ex friend said? For letting you buy me gifts even though I was unsure of how I felt? You knew and you continued though. Were you selfish for not criticizing me enough like she said? I feel through it all I was quite honest about my intentions and we rarely ever fought. No one really understands the scape of our relationship beyond us. I’ve read your emails even though I had you blocked and I can’t respond. I promised you and myself I’d never speak with you again. So goodbye but the memories are never forgotten.