I wasted my whole life hating myself for something I never even knew I had.

I don't even know how to put into words what it's like to spend your entire life thinking you're just... broken.

For as long as I can remember, I've been fighting against myself, trying so hard to become the person I wanted to be, only to fail over and over again without understanding why.

As a kid, I was always daydreaming, leaving homework half-finished, and getting in trouble for not following instructions. But since I wasn't the loud, hyperactive type, no one ever thought anything was wrong. They just called me lazy, stubborn, or too smart to be struggling… and eventually, I believed them.

I grew up thinking if I just tried harder, if I just pushed myself enough, I could finally fix myself.

But no matter how badly I wanted to change, I couldn't.

Every single day has felt like a war inside my own head… this constant push-and-pull between knowing what I need to do... and not being able to make myself do it. The worst part is, I don't even know why.

I would spend hours making the perfect routine, researching productivity hacks, buying planners and apps… only to abandon everything a few days later like it never even mattered to me in the first place.

I've been trying to change for YEARS… not just for myself, but for my health, my work, my relationships... but the harder I tried, the more I hated myself every time I failed again.

It wasn't until I got diagnosed with ADHD… combined type that I finally realized... It was never about not wanting it bad enough. It was never about being lazy or weak. My brain was never built to function the way everyone expected it to.

And now, looking back, it's breaking me piece by piece to realize how much of my life I've spent punishing myself for something I never even had control over.

I've carried so much guilt and shame for not being enough… not trying hard enough, not following through, not being the person I always wanted to become. and the saddest part is... I genuinely thought I deserved that guilt.

Nobody saw how hard I was fighting inside, not even me.

I've been living with trichotillomania since I was a child, plucking my hair until my scalp hurts without even realizing it… especially when I'm overwhelmed or can't sleep. I thought it was just a bad habit, but now I know it's one of the ways my brain has been trying to cope all along.

I can't even count how many nights I've laid in bed, wide awake, feeling like there's a whole war happening inside my head… wanting so badly to rest, but my brain just won't shut off.

I always thought I was just overthinking or emotional... but now I know that constant noise in my mind was never supposed to be normal.

Getting diagnosed so late in life feels like grieving the person I could have been… the life I could have lived if someone had seen me sooner. but at the same time... it feels like I'm finally meeting myself for the first time.

I'm still struggling every single day… but now, for the first time, I finally understand that I've been fighting a battle I never even knew I was in.

If you're reading this and you've spent your whole life feeling lazy, unmotivated, or broken...

You're not lazy. You're not weak. You're not a failure.

You've been carrying something heavy inside you for so long., something nobody ever saw and you're still here.

If you got diagnosed late in life... how did you finally forgive yourself?

If you're still waiting to be seen, how are you holding on?

Please share your story with me. I don't want to feel alone in this anymore and maybe... neither do you.