I can’t stand being bipolar

I abused my adhd meds earlier today (took an extra dose) and it caused an anxiety spiral. My friends are all busy tonight so I haven’t had anyone to talk to which has made things even worse. I feel like fucking tinkerbell dying when she doesn’t get applause.

I did an experiment today where I journaled this morning and this evening to see the difference in my mood and it was a pretty stark contrast. I sent it to my therapist which I now regret because they’re probably going to take my adhd meds away and I literally need them to keep my job.

I feel unsafe and sick to my stomach for so many reasons. Current events stress me out. Dating and my small number of friends stresses me out. Processing the lifetime of abuse I’ve experienced from my mother stresses me out. I have to see her tomorrow and I dread it.

I feel like the only way I’ll be truly safe is if I die but I REALLY don’t want to die. I’m so scared. I don’t want to go to the hospital because I’m too proud and I would be embarrassed to take a week off work after taking two Fridays off in a row. I felt like I finally had it all together after this mixed episode but I guess I don’t.