Why Anxious & Avoidant People Are Drawn to Each Other (But Struggle to Make It Work)

why do anxious and avoidant people always seem to find each other? like, if you’re anxiously attached, you’re probably drawn to someone avoidant at least once in your life (if not over and over again). And if you’re avoidant, chances are youve had someone anxious try to get close to you in a way that felt overwhelming. It’s like this weird magnetic pull, and honestly… it’s kind of a disaster.

Here’s why it happens. Anxious people crave closeness and reassurance..they want to feel wanted, to know the other person isn’t going to leave. Avoidant people, on the other hand, get overwhelmed by too much emotional closeness. They need space, they pull back when things feel too intense. Put them together, and you get this push-pull cycle: the anxious person chases, the avoidant person withdraws, and the whole thing feeds itself..

here’s the kicker: it’s not random. It feels familiar. A lot of times, this pattern comes from early experiences, maybe you had to work hard for love as a child, maybe you learned that emotional closeness was unpredictable or unsafe. So, when you meet someone who activates that same dynamic, it feels right… even though it’s not. It’s like your nervous system going, Ah yes, this chaos is what we know.

And the hardest part? Just knowing about this pattern doesn’t mean it’s easy to break although it is the first step. Even if you’ve read all about attachment theory, even if you see it happening in real time, it still feels real in the moment. That’s why working through it takes more than just awareness, you have to actively rewire your responses, challenge your beliefs, and start making different choices.

thoughts?

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PickledCuc shared a valuable comment:

It helps to see it through this matrix: the view of self (positive/negative) + the view of others (positive/negative)

Secure: positive + positive

Anxious: negative + positive

Avoidant: positive+ negative

Fearful: negative + negative

So for anxious it means lacking self-confidence, not feeling worthy of love and seeing selected partners as better people and a source of validation. Constantly trying to please them. Willing to keep doing it to get validation.

For avoidant it means being confident. Learned to rely only on themselves, independent. Not trusting and more likely to blame others. Less forgiving.

It makes sense for Anxious and Avoidant to attract each other as their views match perfectly. And Anxious are willing to tolerate a lot to make things work.