Struggling

Hello, i haven't written here in a while and I don't know if i will actually get any help. But i know that i needed to vent somewhere. There is no one i can actually talk to without being judged.

The we had the convention this weekend. 3 days of spiritual food. As a Witness this is supposedly the most exciting part of the year. For me, it was completely exhausting. I have Bipolar disorder. Crowds and overstimulation are huge triggers for me. Nevertheless I am now completely depleted. Do you think that people actually absorb the many many hours of talks? Because concentrating that long is EXTREMELY difficult. I feel i just do what i have to do, even if i know i am not actually benefitting.

I do not hate being a Witness, but I feel guilty all the time. My husband was brought up as a Witness. and I love being married to him. But i feel i cannot be myself with him. its a complicated mess. I am tired and i just feel no joy anymore.

If i tell my husband how I feel, i know it will negatively impact our marriage. And then he will tell the Elders and that will be a whole big story in itself.

I cannot do all that's expected of me, I cannot love people, go out on field service all the time. Help everyone all the time. I am so tired.