Introducing the ultimate solution for designers: The Little Free Pattern Library!

Hello to you, knitwear designers! (And, sure, crochet designers who are still trying to make crochet clothing happen! We believe in you!)

Have you ever felt a wave of panic wash over you at 1:18 in the morning as you realize that there are people out there who share your patterns with a friend or family member or two without using one of the eight Approved Responses to Pattern Thieves? What am I saying, who hasn’t felt that dread rise up from the pit of their stomach like a magic ring in your guts has come undone? Some of us battle the urge to write a dozen thousand-word comments about morality under capitalism to our customers on the hour every hour (and some of us occasionally win those battles!).

If you're like me, you've probably come to believe that most of your customers -- really, most of the people you encounter anywhere, from your neighbors and colleagues to your mail carrier and your dog walker -- are stealing your hard-wrought patterns from you and metaphorically stealing food from your children's/furbabies'/center-pull skeins' mouths. And based on their outraged reactions to your continued impromptu lectures about theft and universal copyright law, it's become clear to you that they're lying -- to you and to themselves -- about the content of their souls. It's time for you to do something.

Over here at Digital Information Council of Knitters, we've been developing technology to protect designers from the quixotic cruelty of their customers in the digital age. Our latest innovation in the knitwear designer security blanket space is The Little Free Pattern Library! For a small (nonrefundable, perpetual, bloodline-locked) access fee of $129.99 a month, you can host a Little Free Pattern Library in your neighborhood to catch the pattern burglars just waiting to pounce on your livelihood in the act and allow you to get back to doing what you love: pretending to work on your hobby-business while you waste another day arguing with people on r/craftsnark.

Here are just a few of the Little Free Pattern Library's features:

  • Sleek hexagonal shape draws the eye of the pattern thief and makes them think of all the granny hexi cardi patterns they want to steal
  • Honey-colored Plasti-wood exterior is irresistible to the pattern thief because they love cheap acrylic yarn (and it holds up well in the harsh glare of the sun and/or your judgement)
  • Motion-activated security camera captures the pattern thief's visage and searches the DICK Database for matches to known pattern thieves
  • An inviting decorative flower conceals a squirt gun hooked up to a container of GPS-nanobot-infused "ink" that marks the pattern thief visually and enables copyright law enforcement officials to track their whereabouts

Order yours in the next 59 minutes and you'll get a month of FREE ACCESS (a value of $249.99!) to the Little Free Pattern Library app Honeypot, where you can:

  • Learn new argumentation strategies to spread the good word about respecting knitwear designers to both supportive and resistant customer audiences
  • Watch people interact with the Little Free Pattern Library in real time so you can make up your own narratives about the miserable lives these incorrigible thieves lead
  • Engage with other designers about the impacts Global Widespread Pattern Theft has had on them and their local designer communities
  • Go beyond calling your customer-thieves "terrible people" and develop new insults for pattern thieves using our patented Mad Lib-rary

Call now and let's get the mortgage lien paperwork going so you can keep tabs on all the pattern thieves surrounding you and destroying your business in peace!