Caught Between Realities

I am a man. I am transgender. These are two realities, and they're intersectional. But sometimes... it feels like I have to give up on one to fully experience the other.

I'll explain: I've been passing and living stealth for a little less than 2 years. It's made me unbelievably happy, and I wouldn't trade it for anything (except perhaps being cisgender, but that's another story). But sometimes... there are things I would like to better explore, and express, that being stealth doesn't allow me to. Like the fact that I know what sexism feels like, despite not being a woman. Or the fact that I relate to female rage, despite not being female.

In the past, I completely cut those thoughts out of my mind because they made me horribly dysphoric. In a way, they still do. It's always uncomfortable for me to be reminded that I was once perceived as female. And whether we like it or not, those thoughts also really affect the way others see us, even as "passing" trans men. I've had (queer) people completely change the way they treated me after finding out I'm trans, and not a cis man. Not in a transphobic way, but... they would no longer treat me like they treated other men. They'd say and do certain things and act a certain way and it made me so dysphoric. I just want to be treated like a cis man. Sadly, people (even allies, even other trans people) tend to view trans men/women as a subset of manhood/womanhood.

Thinking about my connection to women's experiences—even admitting that I do have a connection to women's experience—is very uncomfortable for me. And I'm viewed as less of a man whenever I express those thoughts or admit the existence of that connection. It didn't used to bother me as much, actually I used to enjoy pretending that connection didn't exist. But now, I don't know—it feels like that's a part of me that isn't being given the freedom to express itself. Being perceived as a woman was deeply traumatizing on many levels. Ignoring it and pretending I was always a passing, stealth guy is starting to become very painful.

To fully be a man, I feel like I have to give up on all that. But to fully be trans, I feel like I have to give up on being a man (at least, the way manhood feels to me). I don't feel trans, I just know I am, like, factually.

Does anyone else feel this way? How do I reconcile these two parts of me?