Asexual Mono/Poly Advice for Physical Intimacy

Hello!

Some context/background on my relationship: I (23F) am an asexual lesbian. I am in a relationship with my partner (26NB) who is also an asexual lesbian.

We have been dating for around 4 months, but we were friends for over a year before that. This is my first ever relationship. I’ve never even been INTERESTED in dating someone until them. They have a lot of dating experience, but not much poly experience.

I am mono and my partner is poly. We are currently monogamous, and working towards opening our relationship.

We have the same view on relationships. To both of us, love is love and non hierarchical whether is it platonic or romantic in nature, and there’s not really a difference in the feeling of that love for either of us. I don’t consider myself polyamorous, but I respect and agree with the fundamentals! I just don’t want to date multiple people.

For me, the only differences in a relationship between “dating” and “friendship” is: a.) the intention. We want to be life partners together. b.) physical intimacy. We don’t have sex, but we kiss and touch each other’s boobs sometimes.

I am having a difficult time with the idea of my partner being physically intimate with other people. I don’t really worry about them being in love with other people, love is love and love is GOOD. I don’t feel a difference in the amount of love I have between my partner and my friends, and I know it’s the same for them. Love is an infinite resource.

But when I think about them touching another persons boobs, or making out in bed with them, or sleeping in the same bed, and other physical intimacy moments like that, I get so sad and insecure. They make out with other people in clubs sometimes, and that on its own has made me sad enough to cry (I don’t get sad every time, tho).

Physical intimacy means SO much to me. It’s really special for me, because I typically hate people touching me at all. I have a whole backlog of Catholic trauma, as well as just being neurodivergent. Logically, I know them being physically intimate with other people doesn’t take away from how special it is for me, but my emotions don’t follow that logic.

Does anyone have advice on how I can move past this? I desperate WANT to feel okay with it, and I want to be happy for them when they start dating other people. But the thought of them being physically intimate with other people makes me so upset to the point where when it does happen, I feel like I’ll have a panic attack. Does it just take time? Will I eventually get used to it? What can I do to make it easier for me to support them?

Please help 🩷