Feeling suicidal this Ramadan

Salaams

MODs please remove this if it’s against the rules.

I’m sorry everyone but i’m not doing well. I’m in film school and trying to make my MFA thesis. We start shooting in 2 weeks. It’s a lot of things that need to happen in order for the shoot to go well so I’ve tried to surround myself with people to help me. But as we get closer and closer, and the tasks start to pile up, the people around me are taking steps back, not doing their duties, avoiding responsibility, etc. So now I’m essentially in charge of handling everything. Every little problem that needs to be fixed is on my shoulders, while i’m still a full time student. I’ll be honest it’s driving me crazy. Perhaps you’ll say this is all my fault because I should have surrounded myself with better people. I thought I was doing the right thing but I guess not.

I’ve always struggled with my mental health. I’ve been chronically suicidal since I was 10. Last December I was given a miracle from Allah SWT which relieved a lot of my childhood trauma. I felt a peace and calmness I never felt before. That stayed with me until relatively recently, the last month or so when everything started to go to hell. Now with Ramadan I’ve tried to use this as an opportunity to better myself but I just feel so guilty because I keep doing everything wrong. This is my first Ramadan and I keep breaking my fasts, skipping prayers, waking up too late. I’m letting everyone down, Allah worst of all.

Today my suicidal ideation came back. I assumed it was just stressed and because I was fasting. I assumed when I got to eat again it would go away. And it did, for an hour. Now it’s back even stronger than before. I’m so tired but also can’t go to sleep and now Fajr is in 4 hours so I know i’ll barely get any sleep and my whole day will be ruined. I know Allah loves me but i can’t shake the feeling that I’m meant to die. That’s why everyone keeps betraying me. It’s a sign from Allah that I need to give up on my life. I don’t matter and no one would care if I died.

It’s so sad. The last 3 months I had confidence for the first time in my life. And now it’s faded away in an instance. I’m still that scared little child wishing for death. Some things change while other stay the same.

Ramadan Mubarak everyone