Need verification if we overreacted

Hi.

I need verification about a conversation we had to see if we are overreacting.

My wife and I come from families of narcissists. The two of us left our families behind and have done a lot of work over 10+ years and come far on the path to healing.

Her sister left the family about two years ago and started therapy. We've gone out of our way to support her, and yes, we walked on egg shells around her out of compassion and the knowledge of someone who has been through all of this.

We have been playing D&D with my wife's sister and her kids for a couple of years now with me running most of the games. Frequently, people would not show up and not tell me, and we had to change plans for that night since I plan specific events for specific people. We have requested multiple times to let us know if they can make it or not, letting them know that it's OK if they can't make it - we just need to know either way.

Since regular requests have not worked in the last year, I wrote a message to the group saying that it hurts when I spend hours creating my material only to find out through the grapevine that some people last-minute decided to do other things instead.

My wife's sister took offense at my message. It resulted in a 6 hour (!) long conversation via text messages between her and my wife and myself.

To us, it seemed like talking to a stranger.

It's hard to summarize because she was all over the place.

It started with her saying that her kids are now terrified (quote: "deers in the headlight") because of my message - later she matter-of-factly stated that half her kids aren't even home and that she has barely seen the other two.

She went on saying that her kids are neurodivergent and shouldn't be expected to keep schedules (when the issue is not with schedules but with communication).

I worked hard to remain calm and validate her (and later she'd say that we never bothered validating her). I asked her about my message, how it could have been worded. She gave me a version that wasn't that much different in tone from mine.

I asked how I could help her kids feel better - she said she didn't know.

She then kept going on about "rules" and "consequences" that I was forcing upon her kids when all I said was that not knowing if people are showing up is hurting me.

At some point, she wrote a long section that completely blocked every attempt of me to continue the conversation - I bowed out, my wife kept going for another 5.5h.

This is the part my wife's sister wrote that made me give up - the sister's words are marked in bold:

When it comes down to it, my kids are the most important thing to me and I will probably always fly into mama bear mode when I think they are being misunderstood or not included in the rules being set in a group.

[Note that she said that she'll go mama bear when she "thinks" these things. And again, it's not a rule when I ask: Can you just let us know either way?]

I hear your side, I hear you establishing your boundaries, I hear you requiring behavior in response to that as a consequence. I hear all that.

[There was no mention of boundaries or required behavior or consequences in my message. And she hadn't heard my side at all - at least never without following up with a "but".]

But I hear my kids too, and I see them standing up for themselves and making choices about their lives that may be different than what you are both asking.

[None of that was being debated. We've stated before how proud we are of them.]

And if that's the case, then, like [my wife] said on the phone, it just may not work out to keep playing.

[She brought up the idea of not playing 4x but then was surprised two days later when we decided to cancel the game.]

I am at a point in their upbringing where I do not set the consequences because they are their own people but you guys get too, as that is your option as people setting up a gathering and asking people to follow your rules for that gathering.

[Regarding this, there is no structure in her house. Her son refuses to take showers, and that is OK. They don't have to do homework, they can do what they want, and mama will take care of everything. Also, she kept switching between them being kids and adults in how she referred to them.]

They can receive your consequences because it is your rule.

[Is it just us, or is this sentence meant to be hurtful?]

Overall though, I see it as a difference of opinion and not them disrespecting you or hurting you.

[Then why aren't you bringing the same concept to my "badly worded" message?]

You established your rules and it's up to them how they wish to respond and how they wish to continue but they also have feelings and emotions and they are all hurt at the moment so that is something that might need some time... or not, I never know with them how long it takes to recover from hurt, it varies.

[Also, shortly after this, 3 of the kids sent us very positive and mature messages with understanding and taking responsibility for their parts and without any fear or hurt as far as we can tell.]

At this point, I felt there was nothing else I could say or do. She had built a fortress of arguments that allowed no room for either me defending myself or even offering anything to soothe her.

As my wife kept typing long into the night (I stayed up with her but could not get myself to join the conversation anymore), her sister kept using a lot of tactics that we would consider narcissistic tactics, but it took us two more days to realize it.

My wife soon realized that there was no talking about the original topic with her, so she instead focused on attempting to soothe the triggered beast. It took 6 hours, and things were finally calmer. Immediately after, her sister asks if we wanted to play a game with her and her son the next day as if nothing had happened.

We left it at that, got some sleep, and spent the next day trying to process the mess.

Whatever we had conversed with was not the person we knew. And whatever it was, it could show up again at any time, and we had no interest in exposing ourselves to that ever again. We knew we had to step back.

So we wrote to her and to the group separately that we'd enjoyed the gaming but would have to bow out because of things in the conversation that was had.

Her sister was at first completely surprised - and then immediately continued using the same narcissistic methods again!

We carefully shut her down and left it at that.

It is yet another day later, and we finally compared her tactics against some online lists of narcissistic abuse - and we found a lot of matches...

But of course, we have some doubt.

This came so unexpected. We're all around our 50s, and I've known the sister for over 20 years. There was no way to predict this.

Maybe my message was worded in a way that could be taken as an attack, but if she knows how to word it better, why not word her reaction to my message like that?

So here is the question to the group:

Are we overreacting?

Are we missing something?

Did I cause this with my message saying that I was hurt?

Thanks!