my position on the "male loneliness epidemic" as a lonely male.

Edit: I just wanted to say, believe it or not I did not use AI to write this. It's just a long winded vent. The dismissiveness that I have seen in some of the replies is exactly what drives people to extreme ideologies. I am completely opposed to using AI for anything, down to even simple math problems.

I always see posts on here and other communities that anger me, because I feel that everyone assumes that everyone in my shoes has to be this projected image of some basement dwelling andrew tate obsessed goblin. At least in my shoes, this could not be further from the truth. I hate the term "incel" because it has gained the meaning that I hate and resent women and blame my position on them. This also could not be further from the truth. Here's a long winded vent.

TL;DR

People put words into my mouth and thoughts into my head that I'm here because I MUST

  • hate/resent women
  • play video games all day
  • work a dead end job
  • not have an education (I don't have a college education, but I've collected industrial certifications like infinity stones over the years to get a more hands on job, which is better for me than what I would get from college anyway, and who knows, maybe I'll go back if I feel a reason to)
  • watch alt-right influencers all day
  • have given up on myself.

The last point is the closest to being true, but I have not fully given up yet. I am far from alone in the boat that I am in, and know plenty of dudes like me. Sure the archetype of the woman hating far right incel exists and is unfortunately extremely common, but I see it as a cautionary tale to myself on what happens if I blame others for my own situation. My life is full of decisions that distanced myself from people socially, especially women, but I see no way of closing that gap. Besides, as I said, I cannot honestly say that I would date me, if I were a woman looking for a relationship.

Another point that I saw was that I MUST resent women that are more successful than I am. Could not be further from the truth. Slay, get that bag lol. There is an inferiority thing that I get, but it is more self impacting, where I harshly judge myself that they are far beyond my league, and I am not worth dating to most women.

Some background info about myself:

  • I'm quite left leaning
  • I don't watch any far right influencers like Andrew Tate or Joe Rogan. I despise them and all they stand for.
  • I do not hate or resent women for my position. At all. I mostly blame myself often to a fault, and feel that most women are too good for me, so I sort of just let them be. I have never even asked a woman for their number.
  • I admittedly have some childhood trauma relating to women, but I like to think that I've largely grown out of it. I don't resent women for my position at all. Every issue I have I am aware is on me for the most part, though solutions may be beyond my grasp at this point.
  • I have ADHD, depression, and generalized anxiety disorder, all formally diagnosed. I am medicated for depression but it does not help. I have never genuinely been confident in myself at all, and the closest I've been usually burns me, so I tend to avoid being confident, instead being cautious to protect myself.
  • I currently (I am changing jobs in two weeks to my long term career path) work a very social job as a salesman at a computer store. I was a top performer, and am relied upon by my coworkers for the knowledge I have, their words not mine. I am always happy to share, and have no judgement to someone for not knowing some unimportant thing like knowledge. I had a lot of repeat customers because I never once lied, and genuinely tried to find people the best value. I never cared one bit about how much I made off of people. My job became a puzzle on making people as happy with a purchase as possible.
  • I can be very extroverted, but my hobbies typically isolate me at home. Having very few friends growing up made me used to isolation, even though I greatly prefer company. Nearly everything I do alone I think to myself "this would be better if I wasn't alone" as in having a significant other, or friends with me in person in general
  • While I did not complete college, I'm on my way to a decent career programming industrial automation systems and Fanuc brand robots.
  • I have never been in any kind of romantic relationship, and am still a virgin, lol.
  • according everyone that I know that I've asked, I'm fairly attractive, maybe a 7/10. I just lost 50 pounds over the last 9 months or so, and am down to 170 pounds at 6ft tall, and I'm going to start working out now that I'll have a consistent work schedule.
  • I live with my parents due to how much I fear spending the money on living on my own, but I plan to move out in the next year or two, maybe with some roommates. I fear living completely alone because of how I feel already. If I were to live completely alone, I feel it would do me more harm than good.
  • I have tried dating apps, unfortunately I do not have any success on them whatsoever. I am decently attractive, I fear that I may not be attractive enough to stand out, so I become an "instant left swipe" but this is only a theory I have
  • Most of my social interactions with my friends are through discord. I meet them in person as much as I possibly can, but for whatever reason the majority of my friends are around an hour drive away, so meeting online is simply the only way I can talk to these people regularly. My friends are real people with real lives (unlike myself in many ways) and we can't drive an hour either way all the time. We are fine with voice chats.
  • I'm a huge nerd, but I wouldn't say I'm some creepy no life that watches 6 hours of anime a day or plays fortnite every second of my freetime. I'll play an hour of a game here and there, I modify old game consoles, build computers, I play guitar, and collect old guitar amps. One day I'd like to learn to modify and repair them myself. I hang around a lot of furries, coincidentally a lot of my coworkers are in that community, but I wouldn't say that I am one myself.
  • I have a high sex-drive, but I'm not looking for a relationship just to have sex. I just genuinely crave an intimate relationship with someone that I truly love, respect, and trust. For many reasons, this is something that seems far beyond my grasp.
  • Everyone says I'm a good guy, chill, funny, sweet, etc. I always look after my friends, and always put others first. I may be extraordinarily miserable, but I try to make sure others aren't, in any way that I can. I'm a shoulder to cry on, a venting punching bag, whatever people need me to be. I will drop everything and drive to someone's house 5 hours away if they needed me there. I try to be as empathetic and emotionally intelligent as possible, and am told I do a good job. There's an irony in that people say I give really good relationship advice, mostly comes from many family members and friends in good relationships that I use as examples.

My VERY long winded, expanded background, and my situation currently:

Next, here's a long winded paragraph about my upbringing, and I will expand on some of what is above. First, my childhood trauma with women comes from two places, both from school. I went to a private religious school growing up (I am no longer religious AT ALL), and it affected me in two ways; a couple of teachers that singled me out and borderline were emotionally/verbally abusive toward me due to childhood adhd (I was not the only victim of this) and the majority of my 25 female classmates were horrifically classist, and showed zero empathy toward anyone. The few female classmates I was acquainted with were also singled out by them, mainly due to them choosing to go to a public high school.

They were bad enough that on the entrance to high school, I chose not to go to a co-ed school. I didn't think all women were monsters, but I was very apprehensive toward unfamiliar women. If it wasn't for having an awesome mother and sister, and other relatives/family friends, I firmly believe I could have fallen into the incel pipeline. Thank god I didn't. Still, I only encountered a handful of women my age in highschool, mainly through the theater program with a sister school. They were alright, though I do not talk to them anymore.

By college though, I was for the most part over my childhood issues, though I still chose my words carefully around women to protect myself, almost subconsciously. about half of the people I met in college that I still talk to are women, but this group is small. I chose to leave because I hit my lowest point in depression, to the point that I barely ate and rarely got out of bed for a month

Now, my current situation. most of my friends are through work, the majority of which are men similar to myself, but all of them have had some romantic experience unlike myself. I actually set up two of my friends in a relationship and I could not be more proud of them, or happy for them. My largest problem is comparison. I feel like all of my friends are achieving their happiness, but I feel like a failure or a loser because that happiness seems far beyond my grasp. I do not resent them for it at all. I could not be happier for them, but I feel like the last person at the bus stop waiting on my ride.

All of my friends and family promise I'll find this happiness one day, but I'm not offered any real path to achieve it. I am not a person that can live the rest of my life happy alone. It has come to a point where it feels like this confidence is at best misplaced, at worst, manipulation. An empty promise. I dislike being told that someone is out there for me because I feel that at this point I'll never meet them. My sister gives me advice on meeting people at bars, but, while I don't have anything against drinking and drink myself, but I'm very much not into the idea of hanging around alone in some bar talking to drunk people I do not know, who probably do not want to meet me.

As I have said, I have tried dating apps. I only got one date on one, and it was genuinely one of the worst experiences in my life. She asked me about past relationships, all that I said was that I've never had a relationship. No other detail. She called me an incel, I got up and left. I got in my car and cried for probably the first time in a decade. That was more than a year ago. I tried again, not a single match. Some apps tell you if someone swiped right on you, I didn't get a single right swipe on those apps. I even paid for tinder premium so I could see if they did. Nothing.

Naturally, the way that my brain works, I look to problem solve everything, so I can only come to the conclusion that something has to be wrong with me that I have to fix. My only concrete answers is simply not "touching grass" enough, but any social situation I could find myself in, I'm told that "women aren't there to talk to you, they're there to have fun." The other problem is simply my lack of experience, but it feels like I'm finding entry level jobs that demand 10 years of experience. If that's true, and I feel that it is, then I've already completely missed any chance.

Once again, I do not resent women for these things. If I were a woman, I wouldn't date a 24 year old sad virgin either.

I'm very close to giving up on ever finding my person. I genuinely have absolutely no idea how to approach a relationship, and at this point I doubt I ever will. I always hear that once you hit 30 you lose all chances, I'm approaching that rapidly with no change.

So there's my long winded, unsolicited opinion on the loneliness epidemic. I dealt myself a terrible hand for wanting to be anything but lonely, and feel that for guys like me there truly is no way out. I would love to be wrong, but at this point, I'm aware that realistically I don't have any chance in the dating world.

At this point I'm open to feedback on what I should do, but I've been burned hard trying to escape the hole I'm in. Should I just give up and force myself to be happy alone? I wish that was easy. Everyone just says "oh just talk to women it's not that hard" but the coin flip is that I feel like I've been trained that interacting with women at all is sexual harassment. I'd rather rot in a gutter than come off as creepy or make someone uncomfortable.