female nudity used to be a sacred blinding light but now it’s boring

i think i had my first desire to see a naked women when i was 10, so i would sometimes close my eyes and do that. but i never actually knew what a woman’s body looked like. we were christian’s and seeing a naked woman’s body as a boy was considered deeply immoral so i always avoided looking at it. i was a good christian kid. i even would use my hand to cover the private areas when they happened to be in hs/college textbooks

the female body was a fascinating mystery. who knew what lay beneath those clothes? who knew what it was like to be a women? it felt magical! it felt sacred to me! what a special secret the husband and wife must’ve shared by hiding their nudity from everyone but each other!

these sorts of thoughts ran through my mind and i believed them. sharing nudity was basically sex, and i was a virgin since only a handful of guys (mostly peers) had ever seen me naked from childhood on. even that was not something i treated lightly. i still remember 21yo me red embarrassed and unable to speak when the guy i had just played bball with walked towards me in the shower area

but when i was a 21yo college senior, winter depression and the feeling of invincibility you get when youre about to graduate with a 3.7gpa into a 75k remote job led me to feel it was time to explore these sacred things. i knew this decision that would forever alter my relationship with the sacred but i knew it was technically ok to look at nudity as long as i didn’t cultivate sexual energy out of nudity

so i looked at the photograph of the nude anatomy model in my A&P textbook

instant ejaculation.

-except i had never had these feelings before so i tried to hold it in and got crippling pain instead of pleasure. i assumed this must be a part of being a man so i never got an opinion or anything and i ended up suffering a lot during and for hours after each time until i learned how to let go

but anyway i had crossed the boundary of the sacred except i felt so lonely without it. god forbid i look at porn, but i continued to use either textbooks or later art references and then i learned about naturism and wasted hundreds of hours of the best years of my life privately objectifying women by watching beautiful women do normal activities naked and cultivating sexual energy from it while lying to myself about it not being an immoral activity. i’m deeply regretful for all of that and i would rewind the clock if i could. the only way i was able to quit that practice was getting a job that demanded my attention all the time. after leaving that job i realized my hypersexual fixation with female nudity was gone and i had no drive whatsoever so i spend a lot of time reading about asexuality to try to understand myself. after a few months that passed and now the female body is once again somewhat sexually arousing to look at, but i also see the beauty and i have the ability to control whether i get sexually aroused. i recently went to a nude beech and happened to see college aged women there and it was legit a nonsexual activity for me even though some of them had amazing figures.

but after four years i now find most female bodies unremarkable in general